Just Call Me Nikita

“There is only one problem on which my existence, my peace and happiness depend: to discover myself in discovering God. If I find Him I will find myself and if I find my true self I will find Him.” -Thomas Merton

I’m learning that I need to set boundaries. I need to protect myself, from others and my own self-destructive ways. I have a tendency to lose control. I become unstable, erratic, impulsive and somewhat evil. For someone who desires respect, I don’t give it to others or myself. That is very troubling to me.

I’ve been feeling very angry and I’m not sure where this anger comes from. I’m not sure why it even exists so deep within me. But it wells up and comes out. I want it to be gone. I want the source to disappear. I know we are all selfish at times. But when this anger comes out I mostly take it out on myself to avoid hurting other people by it. Yes, I admit I say and do things to hurt others. Who doesn’t? I feel bad about my actions and words at those moments, but I can’t take them back. I can only learn from my mistakes and move on. I can’t carry guilt around with me and I can’t let others emotions get to me. I need protection from all of this and I’ve been wondering how to achieve that.

I have realized that despite the fact that I thought I was good about setting boundaries, I am in fact not. I tend to give and give to others and not myself. The little bit I do give to myself becomes negated when I throw enormous amounts of self-violence my own way. So how do you set boundaries with people? How do you protect yourself from others emotions and needs? How do you provide and respond in meaningful and non-draining ways to others? Most importantly, how do I protect myself from self-destruction?

I need an outlet for this aggression as I try to figure out its source. Keeping it hidden until I explode is obviously not working. I realize it may take a while for the source to be revealed because I may not be able to handle the truth. As I work at this self-discovery, I’m not surprised to slowly find things out about myself but this one has been hard to swallow. I want to be peaceful, healthy and loving and anger and self-destruction is the total opposite. This process has been frustrating for sure but when the storms come and my boat gets rocked I have to remember that Jesus is in the boat with me. When I fail myself, I have to return to that solid place in God’s love grace and forgiveness.

I have been reminded to be patient, with myself and God. Things will be revealed in time. Freedom will come. My desires will be fulfilled if I just keep plugging along even though I might stumble as I go. This is not easy stuff to clean up, a life filled with unhealthy behaviors and thoughts. And even when this cleaning is done, there will be daily upkeep. I need to be patient with my abilities as I exercise my faith muscles. I can’t do too much and I’m not asked to. One area at a time, one tool at a time, I can do this. I have to be positive and surround myself by positive energy and people to keep me motivated. I need to whistle while I work but keep the noise low as to not drown out the small still voice inside, the Spirit of God directing my hands.

My hands will one day wrap themselves around the neck of this Nikita persona of myself and she will die. The light (figuratively and physically) self will be revealed. The me that has been screaming for air inside this massive amount of disgusting fat and anger will finally be able to breathe. That day will be fabulous and it’s hard not to push myself to work harder and become exhausted. I need a bodyguard from this Nikita that both smoothers me and pushes to hard in evil and destructive ways. Who will help me? Who will be my bodyguard as I seek to find myself and in turn find God? Only God knows the next tool and resource but I can not fear that this need will not be met. God WILL provide me with my daily manna when I wake up. This will give me the energy to take the next step or to pick myself up off the ground amidst the rumble I am in at the moment. One day I will eat my manna in peace and happiness within safe boundaries as I breathe with my grateful free body and soul knowing more clearly who I am and who my awesome God is.

Seize the Days, One at a Time

“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” –John Lennon

My best friend gave me this good book for my birthday. I’ve started reading it and already I love it. One chapter is called “On Waiting.” Here is a quote from this chapter: “Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearls. And strung together, built upon one another, lined up through the days and the years, they make a life, a person.” – Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines

I’ve been pondering life’s course a lot lately. I’ve been feeling restless a lot this year and wondering what the next big moment or thing will be. I’ve also been getting caught up in chaotic emotions and thoughts trying to figure all of it out. As backwards as it may seem to me, God has a plan through all of this, all this pain I’ve been feeling, all the pain I’m avoiding feeling, God is using it to grow me up.

I keep wanting to find perspective and meaning on what is happening NOW. I want to figure it out, I want to understand why. It’s exhausting me and Satan knows it. He doesn’t even have to work hard lately to tempt me into sin, real bad ones too; ones that make me fall hard and leave me in so much pain I don’t know how to get back up. My weaknesses are clear and I’m looking too much at what I can become once I’m stronger that I’m forgetting to realize what I have become already this year and who I really am at this moment.

This is a journey and not a destination for sure. Life, for me, is about swimming upstream against the current, brushing past the many fish of the sea. I look at the fish I swim past and am filled with jealousy, lust and many ungodly thoughts. Just a tiny bit of theses horrible emotions gives Satan a foothold, then he hooks me into the decision to stop swimming. Recently, I realized how tired I have become of swimming so I have given up swimming for a while and I’ve just let the current take me away. At times, it is a very helpless and drowning feeling.

But I’m getting stronger each time I belly up in my own muck. Getting up is easier, my fins have time to rest and when I start moving it’s just like riding a bike again. Before I had this all or nothing mentality, and although I still have it at times, it’s slowly fading. Every moment is truly another chance to shine by making the right decision. I think a big part of seizing the next moment is realizing that failures will occur and that in them you need to forgive yourself. Just as Jesus forgave and didn’t hold grudges against all our horrible, disgraceful actions we too can forgive, not just others, but ourselves.

In forgiveness there is freedom, peace and joy. There is freedom and peace and joy inside when the choice to truly live is taken by listening to your true inner voice of love. Being spontaneous and taking your tiny mustard seed of faith and running with it one moment at a time. We tend to remember the fun and organic moments we have as a kid where we didn’t have responsibilities and worries. But why can’t it be like that now? Instead of constantly worrying about the stock market and bills, why not look at your money as God’s money? Let Him show you how to use it. Instead of spending so much time doing adult chores and adult things, why not spend some time out in the sunshine and grass? I recently went on a bike ride and a park trip with a great friend. I felt like a kid again and it felt AWESOME! I want to live my days with God blowing his wind in my face and through my hair, feeling the sunshine on my skin, smelling the fall air with increasing anticipation, tasting new and old favorites on my tongue and just simply BEING more. I want to exercise my long forgotten faith of a child and seize all those moments without panicked urgency. I want to BE calm in excitement and experience deep fulfilling-awe of how many moments God blesses me with throughout each and everyday; seizing those moments and those days as tiny little pearls to cherish for the rest of my amazing life.

Rearranging My Soul

“We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity.” – Joshua Loth Liebman

I love being reminded and reassured through my journey. I’ve been feeling frustrated that I’m still feeling pain from my wounds. I keep ripping off Band-aids and staring at my sources of pain wishing they were healed already. They aren’t raw but they aren’t scars yet and has left me wondering whether I’m missing out on some resourceful healing supplies.

My soul has felt cramped in this healing body. Though my insides are changing, I’ve never felt that my outside image matches my inside person. I haven’t completely found her either. I’m so cramped in this body that I can’t be the beautiful and amazingly healthy looking being God intended me to be. I feel tied down, twisted and tangled. I feel like I’m scrapping the walls of my muddy rut that I’m stuck in. I’ve been so frantically scrapping way that I’m finding it hard to quiet the anxiety and be still. I want out and I want out NOW. I can’t hear my soul, let alone God in all my busy flailing around.

I am made aware, even by unlikely sources, about how good a hand I’ve been dealt in my life. I am truly blessed and have support through many avenues. From my family and friends, to Henri Nouwen and Melody Beattie, I find words of encouragement and kinship. I find perspective and hope. I feel encouraged and assured that this is going to be a frightening and confusing stretch of the road. I’m trying to rearrange my soul and get rid of behaviors and beliefs that I find comfort and familiarity in.

I’m still holding on desperately to things I think will bring me peace but only leave me feeling more chaotic than ever. Just like I need to throw out my wholly charcoal gray long sleeved shirt that I wear during tough times, I need to stop clothing myself in scarlet sin to comfort when my soul feels insecure, vulnerable, lonely and needy. I need to get rid of seemingly good things to make room in my soul for GREAT things and TRUE change.

I’ve been encouraged by Henri to be close to my wounds, my abyss, but not too absorbed in the pain. He has encouraged me to cling to God’s promises; it’s the only thing I should be holding on to. Melody reminds me that I’m not alone on this journey, I maybe without a flashlight or a roadmap but God is with me and will provide me with those people to help lead me to true healing and change. I’m being flooded with hope in God’s promises to bring me from sorrow to serenity, from anguish to freedom. I’m excited to prepare myself to receive healing and more than enough joy and love that my heart overflows.

If you feel like you are rearranging the closet of your soul, join me in this prayer from Melody Beattie, “Today, God, help me believe that the changes I’m going through are for the good. Help me believe that the road I’m traveling will lead to a place of light, love and joy.” AMEN!