Always Be My Home

“We are congenitally overcharged and overbuilt for this earth, infinite spirits living in a finite situation.” – Ronald Rolheiser

I have been meditating a lot on this idea of home. I have felt uneasy and vulnerable thinking that I am not really sheltered by this world. I have felt alone and cold in a stormy place. I have felt that I didn’t really have a home anymore. We are beings made for another world and I often feel this tension.

Instead of communicating this to God, I tend to complain about it and do little work to make myself more comfortable. When I neglect my prayer life, I am being destructive and allowing my life to be chaotic. It’s like building a house without a contractor and his blueprints. A house can be built but it most likely won’t be very cozy or it might not even be sturdy enough to weather the storms. So then it seems quite silly to not communicate with the One that has the best plan for my life.

So when it gets stormy I become frantic trying to seek adequate shelter. That’s silly too. I should be prepared. Homes are usually built when the weather is good. So why do I often want to try to scramble to get all my spiritual work done on hard and rainy days? I should be building my faith on sunny happy days when I have the most energy and the best conditions.

Also, I was feeling the strain of trying to put God in a box into a literal home with me. I wanted God to be in my home and I was feeling like there wasn’t an adequate place for this building. However, I was reassured that God can reside in my heart and I can take Him with me wherever I go. So now I’m trying to build a more suitable home in my heart. I know that Christ lives there but I have to practice my faith more so that it can be a more peaceful and rested heart and home that God deserves to live in. But what a relief! I don’t feel so lonely anymore. The sunny days seem brighter and on the cold days I have God’s love to wrap around me and keep me warm. My spirit is finally starting to feel functional in this crazy world because my home is never too far away.

Battle for Truth

I was reminded today that we are in a constant battle with Satan. He wants us. And on our bad days sometimes it’s really easy for him to sweep us up off our feet as a disguised knight in shining armor. I need to be prepared for battle, constantly doing soul strength training. My friend reminded me that this training is most important on our good days. It’s often in our sunshiny days we think everything is going well and we don’t need to keep plugging along at self-enhancement. These are the days to bask and rest in the sunshine, for sure, but I should be soaking up as much spiritual energy as I can. The stormy rainy days will come where battles must be fought and if I’m letting myself waste away on happy days I will definitely not have enough resources to make it through the tough times. So when the unexpected or unknown is of a not-so-pleasant nature, I don’t have to sit and wallow in it. That is EXACTLY what Satan would want me to do. Instead, I will hopefully have saved up enough sunshine to lead me through the dark.

I must admit I’ve been having some very dark days. Even the sunshiny ones aren’t as bright as they could be. I often lose my battles because I have realized I’ve been deciding to fight them on my own. I have been discouraged and often angry. But I have no one to be mad at by myself. I’m mad that I believe in lies. I spend so much time churning my brain juices over these lies instead of the truth.

The truth is I’m not alone. The truth is I can’t fight my battles alone. The truth is that God loves me and is the one who will go into battle with me. The truth is I’m afraid of my future but I don’t have to be. The truth is I keep sabotaging my own progress because I’m scared and believe in lies. Satan loves that I react to the lies. Because of lies I react to the future with fear instead of excitement. The truth is life is exciting and God always has the best in store. So today I want to become more serious about my spiritual training, good days or bad, there are tiny battles to be fought and the old way of going it alone is not working. God, be with me as I learn to lean on your strength and truth. Satan, BRING IT ON!

Home Sweet Home

”Home is …where you can receive what you desire. You need human hands to hold you there so you don’t run away again. But when you come home and stay home, you will find the love that will bring rest to your heart.” – Henri Nouwen

I’m on my way home. Although, I’m not quite sure what that means. Obviously, the ultimate home is not of this world and we are all on that journey through life. However, I’m still in search of that temporary earthly home. I don’t know where I will find it, who will be there to keep me from running away, how to get there, when I will see it in the horizon or what that home even looks like.

It’s as though five years of my life I have been VERY far from home. I was never quite home anyways. But for five years I wandered in the total opposite direction of home, thinking I would find it in the distance. The false encouragement I got along the way propelled me onward until the tiny voice inside shook me into my senses.

I’ve always thought I was someone who had a good sense of direction but I’m not so sure I do after all. I feel like I walked so far into a dangerous forest without any desire to turn back around that I didn’t leave a trail of bread crumbs behind. However, now I MUST turn back and don’t know how to get out.

Maybe the trail of bread crumbs would have been eaten anyway. Or maybe that isn’t the same path I should be heading back on, too much history and too much familiarity to draw me back into the forest. I must find a new way and trust that I will be provided with the resources I need to get out of this forest and back on my journey home.

Where do I even start? How do I get back on the right path? Who is waiting for me at this place called home? What do I do now? When will I not be so afraid and frustrated with myself? I just want to click my heels and just get there.

Unfortunately, good things do not come easy. I know this. It’s really hard. It’s full of surrender and trust. It requires letting go and letting the control lie with God. When will I ever be ready? Why do I keep fighting? I want to be home so bad but something is holding me back from making the progress I need to be making. I want to be free. I don’t want to be restless. I want to be comforted. I don’t want to be frightened. I want to feel the fullness of love. I don’t want to be joyless. Maybe I’m not ready for everything. God knows what I am ready for. I just pray I keep walking and when I stumble I get up fast. I need to keep remembering that home is where I’m heading. I want to find true encouragement as I meander back home. Can’t wait to snuggle next to the warmth of love, sip its sweet fulfillment, and lay my head down in true rest and safety. Can you tell me how to get, how to get to….HOME…Sweet home!