Finding Love and Humor in the Ordinary

Perhaps it's been the really nice weather but I have been WAY more joyful. I'm finding life to be more enjoyable and finding it a lot easier to be positive about tough stuff in life.

Perhaps it's the season of Easter. This has been the first time I've been immersed in the truth of the Easter season. There is so much I have learned this Spring. For example, I didn't know Easter was extended after Easter Sunday. I wasn't aware of how much celebration could be had in the days after. I wasn't aware that Jesus kept showing up for 40 days after he was resurrected. I wasn't aware how he met people in the ordinariness of life at that time. At first those he met up with didn't recognize him yet once he called them by name they were filled with excitement and burning in their hearts.

I feel Jesus calling me by name. I feel him calling me into his resurrection, calling me into new life. I feel a spring in my step because I'm starting, just a itsy-bitsy bit, to see the confidence God has in me as his tool. This has helped me challenge myself. I've run a 5k, started Weight Watchers and have become a cell leader. I know Jesus is calling me to be more full and more fully known. So what if it rains sometimes, so what if I have to have tough conversations, so what if I'm not fully confident, so what if I mess up, Jesus still is showing up in the day to day and encouraging me to renewal. He is reminding me how to love and how I am loved. He is reminding me that in the season of renewal to rely on the medicine of laughter. We can laugh at ourselves. We can laugh at life. We can take joy in the ordinary.

Luke 24:13-25

I see I see ...say's the blind man

“For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” – 2 Chronicles 16:9

(inhale) I see you seeing me. (exhale) I want to see.

I love these breath prayers we are doing through this Lenten season. I want to continue to breathe with these. I wrote this one on my wrist the other day at work. Then, I thought to myself “hmmm someone reading my one wrist might be freaked out by reading I see you seeing me.” So I washed it off. Maybe I should have left it on.

I see you seeing me. And I want to live out loud and live in a way where I’m questioned. I want others to seek sight too. I know I’m very broken. I know my sight is blurred. I have to come daily, even on bright shiny days as this, for my eye exam. I don’t see others or myself the way God sees. I know that breaks God’s heart. I want our hearts to be whole and my eyes to be clear. I want to see.

I see you seeing me. And like the blind man I call out “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me.” I want to be pure at heart and see God in everything. And I want to hear God say “Go your faith has healed you.” I want to see.

“Do the Little Things”

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own? Luke 16:10-12

“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’ Matthew 25:19-21

I want to share. I want to do a lot of it. I especially want to share happiness. I have found it hard to share in the happiness of others much of the time. Usually they have something I want and instead of being happy for them I find myself green with envy. Although it’s not a heavy shade of green I’m tinted nonetheless. I’m trying to change that. It’s such an ungrateful way to act when I’m not happy about what I do have.

I’m not so sure that I even can be trusted with I do have. I have problems with handling my money, STILL. I still have problems reacting to affection. I want more and more of it but I don’t acknowledge it when I get it. I pay more attention to negative comments and words and throw away any positive I receive. And then there is food. We still have an unhealthy relationship there. I can’t be trusted to be a good consumer, especially with junk food without being a glutton most of the time. So it boils down to me not being able to be left alone with single men, food and my own money. GEEZ!

But there is hope. I’m only supposed to take it one day at a time. I get so caught up in this world and it’s fast pace. I forget to walk with Jesus. I have to do the little things, one at a time. Progress happens with one step at a time. I have to be okay with baby steps at times. I need to not bite off more than I can chew. I remember this time last year, one day at a time was often all I could handle. I get all crazy when I don’t live like that. It seems so simple. Why do I always want to be super woman? Why can’t I instead let God be super?

So today I will start to try to do the little things. Wake up. Walk with Jesus. Let him guide me, every moment, everywhere and in every way. I want this I want to be a good steward of what God gives me. I have to prove my track record. I have to show I can be trusted. I have to prove to my Father that I can share so I can share in his happiness. I want this and I know he wants it for me too!

Acceptance and Gratitude

I find it hard to be accepting and grateful for the weather right now. It’s cold and the snow is just obstructive. I feel like many people haven’t been able to shake off their winter colds. The lack of sunshine is starting to take serious tolls. We are all impatiently waiting the come of spring. The good thing about accepting where we are right now is that it just makes the come of spring much more exciting in comparison.

I’m trying not only to accept my physical space in time, season and place but I’m trying to not be impatient with my progress since last year. With all this moving around and stuff I haven’t been too focused on my spiritual and emotional health, hence the inability to keep up with my blog. But now that I’m here, I’m finding it quite refreshing to see my favorite coffee shop again. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my soft pretzel and vanilla mint latte (yum) as I get reacquainted with my cozy reflective spot on the couch.

I’m not only getting acquainted with my coffee shop again but I’m learning to adjust to my new home and housemates. Last night was the Mardi Gras party and it was fun to chat over junk food and stuff. Tonight we are having pizza and I’m just trying to go with the flow of how things operate. So far I like where I’m living and am looking forward to many more good times. I’m starting to understand the communal living thing better now that I’m finally in the house.

I’m not necessarily hoping for conflicts in the house, but I know they will occur and I hope to be moving with the spirit as they happen. I want to learn to tame my tongue and be more discerning and able to not take things so personally all the time. I want to be accepting of conflicts because in relating important and often great things can happen. And there is always an upside to bad things, especially because both people tend to grow and I like growing.

This time last year I was forced into a lot of growing and there were definitely a lot of growing pains. But this year the growing has definitely not been as fast and torturous, it has become pleasant. I guess the growing now is not as intense in comparison to last winter, just like the spring will be great in comparison to this winter. However, last year I came to the same acceptance/gratefulness point in my life. I did a great exercise that I may do again in the next week or so.

I wrote down everything that I was having trouble accepting and said “ I accept….” Then, I went back over the list and wrote down why I was grateful for everything on the acceptance list. For example, “I accept that I will not be getting married soon.” And “I’m grateful that I am not marrying the wrong person.” Or how about “I accept that I have to live alone for a little while.” And “I’m grateful that I have the chance to fall in love with myself without the distraction of a roommate.” It was very healing for me. I really might have to do this again very soon. I’m pretty sure it would help anyone who wanted to do it. It’s good to accept where God has placed you and to be grateful for at least a little something of it even if it’s pretty terrible.

So for now, I accept that I will still have to deal with driving and parking and living amidst piles and piles of snow and waves and waves of cold winter air. I’m grateful for the time I can spend cuddling with Wallie under my new electric blanket. This is my start.

Finding My Inner Voice of LOVE

I'm always struck by Henri Nouwen's words when I read from the book "The Inner Voice of Love." It is an amazing book. I think anyone could relate to it. Here is what I read today.

The chapter is Acknowledging Your Powerlessness.

"A seed only flourishes by staying in the ground in which it is sown. When you keep digging the seed up to check whether it is growing, it will never bear fruit. Think about yourself as a little seed planted in rich soil. All you have to do is stay there and trust that the soil contains everything you need to grow. This growth takes place even when you do not feel it. Be quiet, acknowledge your powerlessness, and have faith that one day you will know how much you have received."

Wow huh? Well even if you aren't saying wow, this is why I am. I try to have so much control of my life and I really end up running myself ragged. I've been trying to fast and have some kind of control over this whole new beginning that's brewing in February. I've stressed myself out to the point where I have lowered my immunity and become vulnerable to yet again another winter head-cold. I keep digging at myself and seeking from others to confirm that I have grown through the last year. I keep running around busying myself with fake control making myself very fruitless. I have not acknowledged powerlessness like many of us. I keep pushing against the insides of myself to go to somewhere, something, someone else instead of staying with myself and being patient with my little seed.

I am starting to see that I have been planted by God in VERY rich soil. I have an awesome family, great friends and a wonderful body of Christ, through Circle of Hope, that I'm yearning to know more about. I have plenty to be grateful for and plenty of nutrients to help me grow as an individual. I keep trying to check to see if I'm growing into a beautiful butterfly but all I keep doing is disrupting this cocoon process and seeing this ugly mess of a half creature trying to be transformed. I have to be okay if I don't feel miraculous changes day to day, week to week, month to month. I have to learn to be quiet in the darkness and let myself be transformed and just continue to WAIT until that moment when God will give me the okay to spread my beautiful wings and fly.

Falling in Love Again

I often have a really hard time trying to be still and present. What makes this more troubling is that I long to feel God and realize, because of this lack of presence, I often miss out on being where God is. I get bored with the day/minute I’m in and wish for something more exciting in the future. Then, there is the past that I can’t forget. But just for a moment I want to say that this time last year was my first full day out of the hospital. Oh the places I have gone!

After I kind of regrouped a little, I started to embark on this journey of self-love. What I’m noticing through this year is that I’ve grown quite sick of feeling stuck in the mess of my suffering. I feel like I’m wallowing in the wound healing process instead of patching them up, leaving the bandages securely in place and focusing on the work I have to do. My soul definitely wants to fall in love again and feel something wonderful and beautiful for sure. However, I think I picked the wrong love journey. It’s been said you have to lose yourself to really find yourself. This can only be done by losing yourself in the process of learning to love God with your whole heart, mind, soul and strength.

I definitely know how to lose myself in a love relationship. I’ve done that before which brought me up to where I was about a year ago. Obviously, I can never do that again by falling in love with another human being. Of course, I hope to fall in love again with a man, and hopefully one day with my children, but before I can do that I need to go back to my first love.

Jesus needs to be my first love. I sometimes wonder if I have ever really put this love relationship first in my life ever before. I get so caught up in the human relationships that I can physically see and touch. I become obsessed and forget to spend time with God. Its funny how I’ve never felt fulfilled in my human relationships. That’s because I’m trying to get some love needs fulfilled with them and God is the only one that can completely satisfy them. He knows I need to be loved by time and words of affirmation. Who better to get to fill that time need but God? He has all the time on his hands and will never feel like I’m too needy or smothering. For words of affirmation, I need to keep reading his words to me and really feeling that those words were spoken just for me.

To the rest of the world, especially this time of year, falling in love and becoming consumed by human love relationships looks completely normal. I’m aware that this new love adventure may seem a little strange to most. I’m not sure how it will look but I’m pretty sure it will feel a little unnatural and awkward, much like I’ve felt walking alone slowly down the aisle as a bridesmaid of a wedding. You know you’re doing it right if you feel pretty darn uncomfortable. So I’m reminded that if waiting on the Lord seems a little uncomfortable, I’m probably doing the right thing. It’s not what I’m used to.

However, God doesn’t intend for us to be doing this alone. Yes, this is a very personal relationship but God wants the same from all of us. He wants us to help each other out along the way. This has become hard for me to grasp as well, especially since the events of the past year have illuminated my codependency issues. I’m still trying to work this out and most of the time I fail. I have to realize that I need to fully rely on God but to not forget to involve others in the process. So as I walk this journey I pray that you will walk it with me. My right hand will be firmly grasping the hand of God but I still have another hand that needs holding. Come walk with us and feel the LOVE!

Waiting In My Temporary Home

I'm waiting... waiting to hear from God. I'm having a hard time doing this. I can't sit still. I can't be silent. I can't seem to do much really. I'm waiting to find out where God is taking me next, how will he show me the direction I need for these big decisions in my head. I'm not only waiting in my temporary residence (my apartment) but I'm waiting in this temporary home (earth). Please pray for me at this time.

While I’m Waiting -John Waller

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

Carrie Underwood-Temporary Home

Little boy, six years old
A little too used to being alone
Another new mom and dad, another school
Another house that’ll never be home

When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face

This is my temporary home
It’s not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I’m passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home

Mmmmm

A young mom on her own
She needs a little help, got no where to go
She’s looking for a job, looking for a way out
‘Cause a half-way house will never be a home

At night she whispers to her baby girl
Someday we’ll find our place here in this world

This is our temporary home
It’s not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we’re passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where we’re going
I’m not afraid because I know
This is our temporary home

Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers, “don’t cry for me,
I’ll see you all someday”

He looks up and says,
“I can see God’s face”

This is my temporary home
It’s not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I’m passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home

Mmmmm

This is our temporary home

Unveiling

“A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work.” – Ecclesiastes 2:24

^“But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Another year has begun and I find myself very relieved that the holidays are over. However, I feel like I have to brace myself for the cold, bitter and lonely January. I will be looking forward to the spring sun just like anyone else. Also, resolving to lose those extra pounds and more that I’ve gained over the holidays and past years. Yet, I am trying to go through this year reflecting on the past year in gratitude. I want to challenge myself even more but give credit to how far I’ve come since last January. Who knows, maybe I’ll write a book.

As I begin this year, I’ve been thinking a lot about my present suffering and how it has been transforming me. I’ve been reevaluating so many things I do in my life, one being the Christmas celebration. I need to figure out a comfortable way to celebrate next year because this year I was very uptight about how Santa and Christmas trees fit into a Nativity scene. Along with that, I want to focus on how each week of my life last year had significant impact on the person that I am and who I’m becoming. I feel this year is going to be even bigger than last and I don’t want to forget about the present as I’m reflecting on the long, hard year that has past.

First things first, this year I will be looking in anticipation for my new home come February. That should be exciting. I hope that it will be a huge opportunity to live in community and to have freedom to explore my career options. Not that I don’t enjoy working where I work now, I just don’t feel like I’m coming alive there. I want to find greater satisfaction and more purpose with what I do. Don’t get me wrong though I’m definitely trying to be focused on the little moments there. It’s hard sometimes but it is very rewarding when I do have good reflection of my every move as I offer life saving actions, gentle swaddling and deep, thoughtful prayers for the lives I come in contact with. I’m just looking for what God wants me to do next.

As I seek to find what God wants me to do next, I know it will be full of hard decisions but great rewards. I want to be more intentional about all I do in life and I want to reflect more of Christ through my actions and words. I want to continue on this road to greater love, of God, self and others. In this, I hope to increase the beauty of my confidence knowing that my beauty comes by reflecting trust in Jesus and the love he has to offer. I want to get ever more comfortable in this way of living so that I want less and less of human desires that make me venture back into my old world. Although this old world is familiar, it’s destructive and I want to keep building on this awesome foundation God slammed down last January. Even though I’m far from the ultimate unveiling of my new self, I want to be able to invite people into some of the parts of myself that are livable and newly renovated. I’m excited that I’m finally coming together.