Emmanuel, God With Us

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34

I’m sitting here in the Treehouse Coffee Shop dwelling on the sad news I received today. The house in Magnolia that my mother and grandmother grew up in, the house I dreamed of owning in the near future, is being torn down due to environmental reasons. I cried. I felt like I just got news that a family member is going to die. I felt very lost today.

My little girl fantasizing tendencies had gotten a hold of me again. I was dreaming big and praying lots. I forgot that my dreams aren’t always the reality that God wants me to have, they actually can become nightmares. Needless to say, I got an answered prayer today. Not the word I wanted to hear, but I got an answer and I’m trying to be grateful.

In this process of trying to trust God with a big decision in life, I keep coming back to the question , “Now what?” I want to be calmly awaiting this BIG thing God is birthing through me come February. I guess around the month of May I became impregnated with the realization that life was most likely going to change very drastically in nine months. Its seven months now and I still have no idea what kind of thing is going to be birthed.

I feel much like Mary as portrayed in the song Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant. I’m traveling through this cold and dreary month of December. I’m tired, exhausted and frightened that God is asking me to bear this load, to walk this path. I’m calling out for God to be with me now as I wait, as I pray silently in my heart. I know not the words to say to God, I know I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me sometimes. I’m asking to hold me together because I feel like I’m going to fall apart. I’m asking for direction, for light in this darkness of suffering.

Through this suffering, after hearing iTunes play that song, comes the song I’ll Stand By You in response. I think God may be trying to speak through the lyrics. I think Jesus is reminding me to come to him and talk. He’s telling me its okay to cry and it’s okay to be angry with suffering and its okay to be myself and to confess anything. Nothing I could say will make him love me any less. He wants to be with me in my darkest hours, and he will see me through ‘cause Jesus has seen that dark side too. He promises he won’t desert me and won’t let me be harmed.

I start to really feel comfort in this song, in these words. Then, I open up a book, besides the Bible, that has really helped me through this year. I open up to today’s reading and the title makes my heart pound, “Good Things Coming.” I read it. I’m encouraged that what I seek will come, it will find me. I’m not to worry or try to control this. I need to keep praying “Jesus Save Me”. I need to surrender daily, every minute if I have to. I have to trust. This is the true test, right? I’ve already living in anxiety so many times in life trying to make things happen in life. I’m told the plan is already in place. Honestly, where I’m supposed to live already DOES exist. I just can not see it. It is truth. I have to trust I have to be peaceful. I’ve joked that I want baby Jesus to bring me my new address under my Christmas tree. But frankly, I need to live with faith like a child that this is how simply it will be brought to me. It will be a gift. If I can’t be lead to it with ease, it will find me. As God is already in tomorrow, he is already in the place I will call home. He is there preparing things for me and Wallie. God truly is my Emmanuel, he is with me, he is God with us.

Today, and everyday, God please remind me that this all will be settled in the right time. You will not leave me. You will give me what I need. Be my breath of heaven as I bear this load of suffering and decision making. Stand by me and bring me your Prince of Peace. I promise I will try to wait patiently. Forgive me for trying to have control and forgive me for wasting my energy on worry. Be my Emmanuel. Amen.

Contentment

"May it be to me as you have said”- Luke 1:38

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:7

“O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer He will surely be gracious

to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left.”-Isaiah 30:19-21

I used to be so negative and ungrateful for everything. I would complain all the time and mostly because nothing lived up to my expectations, my beyond ridiculous expectations. Then, I was told not to have expectations. I didn’t know how to do this. I would often try to let myself down before someone did it for me. I would start to expect the worst and hope for the best. Living forever in the future or dwelling on the past. This leads to constant discontentment.

I would say “When I just get done these finals I’ll be happy” “When I just find a job I’ll be happy” “When I just get through this week I’ll be happy” “When I get married I’ll be happy”. Always just wanting to be settled, I never realized that there is always something to work on, pray for, struggle through and that through it all you have to CHOOSE to be happy. You can’t live life having fairly tale expectations of how “happy” you’ll be when you get what you want. This world will always let you down.

Sometimes things happen to you in life that can really slap you in the face and make you wake up from your daydreaming of happily ever after. Should I blame my parents for letting me watch endless amounts of Disney movies where princesses are guaranteed their prince? How did I get so disillusioned that there would be this certain point in my life that I would find contentment?

I have been fighting this hope of finally being settled as I’m looking for a new place to put up my feet. I said to myself a few months back about how February opens me up to a lot of freedom, I become free of some heavy obligations (car payment, job contract, apartment lease). Following that thought with the next: Something BIG is gonna happen in February. Although I’m not sure of what that is, it has something to do with my living situation, as I have not renewed my lease to my apartment, and February is quickly approaching. I’m finding myself fighting the anxiety, trying to remind myself that God has a plan. It’s hard to stay at peace when I don’t know where I’ll be living in short while.

It’s crazy how God has been showing me comfort in this. I was talking to a friend the other night and she said she thought of me during a Sunday sermon about Mary. Sometimes when we are anxious/afraid of events that are coming, it often means God has something BIG planned. Those hard feelings are like birth pains as God is birthing something new into your life. Again, here is confirmation that something BIG is happening in February and realization that this is why my anxiety exists, the Braxton-Hicks have begun. This gives me comfort in knowing that I do have really great friends who are lovingly aware and attentive to my life and are there to be used by God to comfort me as I go through major changes these years. They are there to be my labor coaches, knowing in the end something beautiful and worth waiting for will come. And then cell last night we continued on this topic, when faced with hard news to hear (you are going to have a baby, not just any baby, but the son of God) Mary said, “May it be to me as you have said.” There is no better word to express her words but contentment.

Last night at my cell group, I felt so forgiving of myself and the rest of the world. Blame should not be placed on Disney or anyone else but I should find comfort in others who have struggled with our humanness. We all seek contentment, so-called happily ever after. Life is always changing and there will always be movement and growth and in ALL THAT we need to find peace. Being grateful and positive for every moment of our lives is where we can find contentment. We need to be crawling up inside the word and being happy in the present, in the silence.

I felt at home knowing so many of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ have their frantic moments of self dialogue trying to find discernment and direction. I’ve been struggling with the balance of being over-anxious about decisions or making the process over-spiritualized. It was great to hear stories of others trying too hard to have this miraculous answer/sign from God and in the end only finding silence. The silence is God’s answer. He is there. He wants you to stop. Let go. Be present. Look up at the silent stars and listen to the night, knowing that it’s not endless and morning will come. Be present in the waiting. Find God there, find the blanket of contentment.

Thirsting for Living Water

“Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” –John 4:13, 14

If you want to join me in reflection, Taizé style, light some candles, turn off the lights and listen to these voices; meditate on these words:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGSWP26SakU&feature=related

By night we hasten in darkness
To search for the living water
Only our thirst leads us onwards,
Only our thirst leads us onwards.

De noche iremos, de noche,
Que para encontrar la fuente.
Solo la sed nos a lumbra,
Solo la sed nos a lumbra.

I’ve been dehydrated many times before. The worse kinds of dehydration are the days after night shift or a heavy night of drinking. The nauseating feeling coming from sluggish and toxic water-deprived blood sliding through your vessels trying to provide your body, especially your brain, with oxygen is a very awful feeling. It’s often easy to fix physical dehydration but I’ve been realizing how hard it is to fulfill this thirsty soul of mine.

My soul is feeling a little more than dehydrated; it feels almost empty. Now, at first glance, this may seem so destitute and awful. At times, it has been that bad. Yet this is actually a good thing. Just like you have to feed your pets’ food appropriate for them, your car needs to be filled with gas and oil and your soul needs to be filled with soul food. (I don’t mean the food of African American culture.)

I haven’t been feeding my soul what it needs. My impulsivities have been overwhelming my search for true nutrients. I have been trying to fill the emptiness with male affection and things money can buy, all of which haven’t been working. I am still coming from a place of years of malnourishment and craving cautiousness and thoughtful direction in my life. I don’t want to be a selfish little Veruca Salt anymore.

Now, that I have found fellowship with the body of Christ again, that which I had been avoiding for those drought-filled years, I am really thirsting for this living water. Thankfully, I am empty and can be filled to the brim and overflowing with it. But I have not yet approached this river of life. So by night I hasten the darkness in search of living water and only my thirst leads me onward. Come join me!

God, lead me to your living water. Let me not be anxious as I travel. Give me patience and peace. Fill my cup.