Standing Still?

In a society where we long for instant gratification, I am finding it hard to have patience. It has been 6 months since I’ve been living on my own and trying to “get myself together”. I was told today that I have been making progress but I don’t feel like there is much evidence for that. It’s really hard to have good perspective on life sometimes. I don’t find it easy to pretend like I’m on the outside looking in. I just kind of feel …like…I’m at a stand still.

I want so many good things I feel I deserve in my future, a healthy body and mind, a wonderful husband, delightful children and an amazing faith. A faith that can move mountains just like the one I’m climbing right now. I’m learning big lessons about self-control and patience, but gosh could I have picked any bigger things to struggle with?

Then I have Satan in disguise just hammering in on me, tempting me beyond belief. And God is letting me work out my faith and it hurts. It’s like my heart is hurting already about my losses and it hurts to be working so hard with a heart that is already injured. I guess I’m looking for the quick fix, the strong holding band-aid, the miracle cure or something along those lines. I just feel like all my work is just being sabotaged and I’m just tired of running on the treadmill of life. I want to be peacefully biking or strolling along in a happier place. I will run if I have to, but right now I feel like I’m doing so much strenuous work but it’s not showing for itself. Do I just think I’m working hard? Could I work harder?

I don’t know. Am I wrong? How do I gain perspective? I know I will only get better over time and I’ll always be changing and improving myself. I know I’ll always have struggles and need to look to God day to day, moment by moment. But right now I’m just longing to see the mountain top. I’m out of the valley but I’m just climbing and climbing. I feel like it’s a never-ending mountain. Do I have all the gear I need? Maybe I’m carrying too much? Anybody out there climbing too? Right now, I may just be dangling in my ropes awaiting my second wind. I need to recharge my batteries big time! Perhaps a vacation would help?

I want to reach a place of true rest and deep reflection. I know they say don’t look down but I kind of need to. I want a safe place to do that. Perhaps a quaint log cabin balcony? I could sit in a rocking chair in cool mountain air with long sleeves and a warm cup of tea or hot cocoa. I want to sit there for a long peaceful time watching the mountain fog clear a cloud at a time so I can slowly look down to the bottom of the mountain. I need to see how far I’ve climbed in these 6 months. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to see the bottom? Maybe I’ve climbed that far? Who knows? All I know is I’m sick of looking at the mountain top and wishing I was there. I want to be grateful for all the strength and resources God has given me along this trek. I want that true self deep inside me to jump for joy at the amazement of how far I’ve come. I guess that is my prayer. Pray God will reveal this to me. I need to hear it from my own voice or the voice of Jesus deep down inside my flesh. Please God, I need this!

Venn Diagram

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." -Matthew 5:3

I was reading old comments on my blog and realized how much I love that people read this. I realize that others go through similar struggles in life yet our generation is missing something. It's not like it used to be where the whole neighborhood had each others back and everyone had close knit friendships. I'd like to have my blog be one of those neighborhoods again. I'm willing to be vulnerable and let you all know what the skeletons in my closet are. I see it as a way to help us get through this life and not feel so alone in this sometimes cold, cyberspace, technology driven, lets-be-fake, selfish, and seclusive world.

I realize that God has a place circled on the map of life for me and everyone else. I pray everyday that I encompass that circle and continue to stay where God leads. Also, I want to be conscious of those who's God-drawn circle overlaps with mine. I want to see the blessings in that and really see what we have in common in the natural Venn diagram of life. I think I take it for granted too much and don't look at the map through God's eyes. I think there is a lot that God is trying to show us through interactions with people, strangers or not, that can be big lessons learned.

I have found that being open and honest about my struggles in life can be a real blessing, not only to others who struggle but to myself. I'm blessed to know how others are seeking God in their hard times and then being able to see the daily, moment to moment miracles God performs. I'm blessed through struggles to have the opportunity for God to empty me through my tears and fill me back up with hope.

To those who read, I pray that God continues to inspire you to practice resurrection in the dead areas of your life. I pray that you give to God your emotions and desires and see where he takes you. I hope you realize in your struggles that you are not alone. God is walking beside you and at times carrying you, but he never leaves you. NEVER! Yes, sometimes you may feel very strange and not yourself. You may feel like you are just floating through your day and just trying to hold on until things get better. It's at these weakest times that we are to recognize God's strength. That he is always the one who gets us through and not us. Be humbled by this! God takes things away from us so that we can be emptied and filled up again with more joy and peace. Jesus wants us to be free and full of his love, and sometimes we may not be able to get there if we hold on to things that aren't meant for us. Let's learn to let go! Thank you for visiting! You are welcome...anytime!

Watchful Intentionality

“You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.” –Luke 12:40

I have been struggling for years with many compulsive behaviors and never knew how destructive I was being. When you are compulsive, how can you really act intentionally? I’m really sick of hurting myself and others. It’s not fun! Instead of telling myself I need to think before I speak, I need to be telling myself to think before I act. Actually, I need to be praying before I act. I also need to be listening more and talking less, especially when it comes to my relationship with God.

All this work on being more intentional isn’t easy. I know you can promise yourself and others a million things. The hard part is actually acting on those promises. We are imperfect beings and therefore need to rely on God to help us every moment of every day. I’m learning this more and more and I’m really trying to live it in my life. It’s been a very humbling experience to realize how weak and fragile I am which is why I need God all the more!

It seems like when we start to have a grip on things that we struggle with it gets harder. Am I the only one that sees this? It’s as if God says “oh yea? You really think you can do this? How much are you trusting me and leaning on me? Let’s see!” Then, I realize how much more work I have left to do. I could feel overwhelmed, but I don’t. I think because I’m realizing that every day is a new start and I can wake up with the hope that I can be the best me I can be for that day.

Lately, I have been feeling relieved that I can wake up and start over. I have gotten myself into things and thought “gosh, if Jesus came back right now would I want to be caught doing this?” The answer was clearly NO! So I’ve been really watchful of what I’m doing and saying. I want it to be something worthwhile and pure. I wouldn’t want to be caught doing something of little value or something not wholesome. It’s been eye opening. Would I want to be caught in the movie theater watching some horrible movie like Bruno or lusting after men who are totally wrong for me or gossiping? What about being caught in certain states of mind? Would I want to be caught in fits of jealousy or consumed with ungratefulness? I want to be mindful about my actions and words. It’s hard but it makes me feel so much better about my life. I want God to be proud of me. I want to be acting in love towards God. I want to be showing him how grateful I am for every moment of my life by being intentional instead of compulsive.

Miracles do happen! It may seem silly and not a miracle to most, but I was praising God today for my miracle. I have been very compulsive about my shopping, especially when it comes to venturing into Target. I have gone to Target many of times and spent way too much every time. So today when I was contemplating buying a salad spinner to make my eating of salad a much more pleasurable experience I got a little nervous. I knew I would be tested in my venture to Target. I have probably NEVER walked out of Target with only what I went there for. I said a prayer as I drove there that God would help me stick to my intentions. If Jesus showed up, I wouldn’t want to be caught coming out of Target with loads and loads of crap. I went in and tried to go straight to the kitchen gadgets. I must say there were many distractions along the way but God was good. I came out of there with confidence and ONLY a salad spinner!

I had fun testing my faith in God and I hope I have many more chances to test it tomorrow!

Cast Your Anxiety With Me

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:7

I’m reminded today, and should be reminded everyday, how short and important life is. It should not be wasted with worry, pessimism, and other negative things. Every day there is the challenge to stay balanced. I once thought that balance was a destination. As with life, it isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey. It’s about growing everyday, every moment.

I struggle with balance and self-control. I am very undisciplined, but very hard on myself when I try to be disciplined and don’t do things completely right. I want to be humble, but have so much pride. I want to be funny and carefree, yet I’m often too serious and tangled in my ropes of insecurities. I long to be healthy in so many ways, yet I often choose unhealthy options due to the response of the flesh instead of chewing on the fruit of the Spirit.

Living life according to the Spirit is very hard, especially because Satan is always trying to devour us who live by the Spirit. He wants us to respond by the flesh and impulsivity because that’s his world and he wants us to “stimulate his economy.” I am writing this because Simon Peter encouraged me this morning that others are going through the same struggles as me throughout the world.

I guess that’s the whole idea of this blog. I want to share my struggles along the way. It’s an outlet for me to “talk” and get things out in a healthy way. I share in hopes that someone who reads this may be going through a similar situation and wants to know they are not alone. We are never alone if we have a relationship with God, but there needs to be fellowship and kinship and that is what I’m offering.

I want to give back in anyway I can. I was told once by someone who touched my life to always pay it forward. I’m trying to do that more and more in my life. I’m trying to talk less and listen more. I’m welcoming those who know me to kindly interrupt me and tell me to shut my trap because I’ve done enough talking. I’ve especially done enough talking to God, it’s about time I wised up and started to listen. Yet through all of my talking and taking in life, God still cares for me and wants me to lay it all on Him. He wants me to lay everything on Him, good and bad.

The bad being all my problems, the biggest one being my inability to handle stress and anxiety. I’m learning to control this so my life can be fuller and more carefree. I need to be whole again, the way God intended. And I need to be light and joyful and free, like I’m floating in the sky holding on to strings attached to strong, happy, helium balloons of God’s love and security.

Then, in the joy being able to lay all that on God too, in the form of sincere gratitude because that is what He deserves! He deserves all of us and every minute of our lives. I want to be obsessed and consumed with God, free of anxiety. Come with me and cast your ropes! Let God change them into strings of joy with happy balloons and we can float away together!

Beneath the Bodhi Tree

“For as long as we continue to cling to bad habits that may not be life-threatening but certainly aren’t life-enhancing, we only steal from our potential.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach

They say the first steps to recovery are acknowledging that there is a problem. Then, the usual step most of us take after that is all consuming worry as we try to frantically control the situation or issue in our lives. Often I have found in my own life that I don’t take these concerns to the One who actually does have control over these situation and issues. I try to go at fixing it myself with the limited knowledge I have of my life and the world around me.

When I really evaluate how I usually act during these moments, I am appalled by myself. I usually become stressed and then try to call everyone and their mother to help me figure things out. First of all, that burdens other people. Second, they usually have their own opinions and not-so-healthy ways of dealing with their own similar issues. Finally, they lack knowledge and lack ways to help. So why do I continue to follow this cycle of distress? I personally believe that it’s deeply rooted in my inability to fathom God’s love for me and his complete understanding of everything. I don’t trust, simply put, that he will take care of things.

Let’s evaluate this. Going to God with our problems never burdens him. Also, not only does he have his own opinion of the situation; he has the only opinion that matters. He is the only one with the complete understanding of the healthiest way to deal with our troubles. So why when we have this incredible resource at our fingertips do we not use it? Again, I think it’s because we underestimate his power and his love for us.

So as I continue on this road to finding love for myself and learning to fall in love with God, I have found clear problems or habits in my life that block me from reaching my full potential.

One big problem is my relationship with food. I have come to the conclusion that I’m addicted to it and need help in this area. Reluctantly, I have decided I need to go to Overeaters Anonymous. Hopefully I will get myself there this week. However, it’s been really hard acknowledging that I have a serious problem and not joking around about it. It really has affected my health badly. I believe not only does it affect my health but it affects most overweight Americans. I feel like people seek all kinds of drugs, doctors, and programs to help them become healthier to no avail because they aren’t seeing the bigger issue. We are stressed and we have learned through example in society to feed our emptiness with something. Food is usually the choice, that or we self-medicate in other ways. But think about the destruction you would cause to your vehicles if you put the most unhealthy oil or gas in its tank. It wouldn’t work properly and would probably not function at all. So instead of trying to lose weight, I need to focus on the extreme unhealthiness involved in bad nutrition. The solution is not within sight for me yet but I know with constant faith and hope in the power of prayer I can get through this, one moment at a time.

Another big problem is my impatience in my single state. I keep breaking my promise to myself on this journey through the year of love for myself. I give in to the temptations and desires in so many ways. I am often wishing for the affection of a man. I have fulfilled the desire more times than I would like to admit this year, especially because this was supposed to be a year free of physical and emotional encounters with men. I have not been kind to myself and to those I have engaged in interactions with. I’m not being fair to myself because I’m deepening my wounds left by unhealthy relationships. I’m just adding to the infection and hurt by continuing in my old ways of dealing with men. I’m not respecting myself as a daughter of God, and in turn a princess who should be treated like one. Also, I’m not being fair to the men I encounter. Whether they care or not I’m hurting them too. But most of all I’m hurting the one who will eventually be my soul mate. I truly believe God loves me and wants to give me the desires of my heart but in His timing and His ways. If I continue to engage in behaviors that are impulsive due to my desires to feel affection, I am giving into the temptation that Satan so easily places in my way. I will continue to hurt my future husband or more importantly our future relationship. So the only thing I have thought to work at the moment is to first pray and then to write to him. If I believe in God’s promises, I know this desire would not be denied of me. So why not believe that my husband exists somewhere? I should be faithful to him starting now. I’m not being naïve and thinking this is going to be easy. Satan is going to tempt me and God is going to allow it so I can exercise my faith in Him. Practice makes perfect and prayer brings promises.

Lastly, I just had this revelation about trees. I’m not quite sure what it means yet. I’ve been drawn to this one song on my Zen relaxation cd. The melody is enchanting and so I had to look up what a Bodhi tree looks like, hence the picture and title associated with this blog entry. Then, I glanced at my Simple Abundance book. On the cover is a tree. I usually write in the Treehouse Coffee Shop. Hmmmm… then I thought isn’t there another book with a tree on the cover? Yeah…the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Hmmm…I just bought a book by Rick Warren to lead me through the fruit of the Spirit. Fruit grows on trees usually. Hmmm… still not sure of what all this means but maybe I need to go sit underneath a Bodhi tree to find out for myself. I’m sure God would meet me there!

The Language of Letting Go- Part 1

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

I had a great time today just chillin' with my family at my Grams. We had some conversations about letting things go and I'm grateful that I have a book to be helping me with this. IT'S SOOOOO HARD TO JUST LET GO!!!!! Man, if I could master that I would be so set in life. God has control, I don't. Thankfully He does too because He can see the big picture and I can not. Therefore, He knows what's best in every situation and moment.

I keep getting this picture in my mind of this letting go issue. It's like all my problems and issues are attached to thick ropes. Sometime I let go of my end of the rope, but frantically and reactively I grab it again. God wants my end of the rope and for some reason I don't trust Him, I guess. I think these ropes are made up of my deep connections emotionally to my issues or problems. These ropes are sooooooo thick, so thick because of my beliefs about what I want and need in life. For instance, I'm holding onto a very thick rope of discontent attached to my singleness. I look at other couples in my life and want the 2.5 children with a house and a wonderful husband. I have another rope of fear attached to my inability to achieve happiness. I'm scared to be happy! Crazy I know! Let's see... I have another compulsive and needy rope attached to food. I compulsively eat when I'm feeling especially vulnerable and needy towards many emotions in my life (boredom, sadness, anger, etc.) I also have some ropes of insecurity and guilt attached to previously relationships. How easy would life be if I wasn't holding on to these prickly, rough ropes that are attached to such heavy things? How free and light would I feel?

If you have ropes as I have, let's learn to let them go. Maybe one at a time. I need encouragement and discipline from people who understand what I'm going through. I will help you let go of your ropes if you will do the same for me. I'm not sure what this looks like, but I'm pretty sure the power of prayer can make the grip less strong. I read this prayer in my book today.

"Today, I will strive to let go of those wants and needs that are causing me frustration. I will enter them on my goal list, then struggle to let go. I will trust God to bring me the desires of my heart, in God's time and in God's way."