Watchful Intentionality

“You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.” –Luke 12:40

I have been struggling for years with many compulsive behaviors and never knew how destructive I was being. When you are compulsive, how can you really act intentionally? I’m really sick of hurting myself and others. It’s not fun! Instead of telling myself I need to think before I speak, I need to be telling myself to think before I act. Actually, I need to be praying before I act. I also need to be listening more and talking less, especially when it comes to my relationship with God.

All this work on being more intentional isn’t easy. I know you can promise yourself and others a million things. The hard part is actually acting on those promises. We are imperfect beings and therefore need to rely on God to help us every moment of every day. I’m learning this more and more and I’m really trying to live it in my life. It’s been a very humbling experience to realize how weak and fragile I am which is why I need God all the more!

It seems like when we start to have a grip on things that we struggle with it gets harder. Am I the only one that sees this? It’s as if God says “oh yea? You really think you can do this? How much are you trusting me and leaning on me? Let’s see!” Then, I realize how much more work I have left to do. I could feel overwhelmed, but I don’t. I think because I’m realizing that every day is a new start and I can wake up with the hope that I can be the best me I can be for that day.

Lately, I have been feeling relieved that I can wake up and start over. I have gotten myself into things and thought “gosh, if Jesus came back right now would I want to be caught doing this?” The answer was clearly NO! So I’ve been really watchful of what I’m doing and saying. I want it to be something worthwhile and pure. I wouldn’t want to be caught doing something of little value or something not wholesome. It’s been eye opening. Would I want to be caught in the movie theater watching some horrible movie like Bruno or lusting after men who are totally wrong for me or gossiping? What about being caught in certain states of mind? Would I want to be caught in fits of jealousy or consumed with ungratefulness? I want to be mindful about my actions and words. It’s hard but it makes me feel so much better about my life. I want God to be proud of me. I want to be acting in love towards God. I want to be showing him how grateful I am for every moment of my life by being intentional instead of compulsive.

Miracles do happen! It may seem silly and not a miracle to most, but I was praising God today for my miracle. I have been very compulsive about my shopping, especially when it comes to venturing into Target. I have gone to Target many of times and spent way too much every time. So today when I was contemplating buying a salad spinner to make my eating of salad a much more pleasurable experience I got a little nervous. I knew I would be tested in my venture to Target. I have probably NEVER walked out of Target with only what I went there for. I said a prayer as I drove there that God would help me stick to my intentions. If Jesus showed up, I wouldn’t want to be caught coming out of Target with loads and loads of crap. I went in and tried to go straight to the kitchen gadgets. I must say there were many distractions along the way but God was good. I came out of there with confidence and ONLY a salad spinner!

I had fun testing my faith in God and I hope I have many more chances to test it tomorrow!