Standing Still?

In a society where we long for instant gratification, I am finding it hard to have patience. It has been 6 months since I’ve been living on my own and trying to “get myself together”. I was told today that I have been making progress but I don’t feel like there is much evidence for that. It’s really hard to have good perspective on life sometimes. I don’t find it easy to pretend like I’m on the outside looking in. I just kind of feel …like…I’m at a stand still.

I want so many good things I feel I deserve in my future, a healthy body and mind, a wonderful husband, delightful children and an amazing faith. A faith that can move mountains just like the one I’m climbing right now. I’m learning big lessons about self-control and patience, but gosh could I have picked any bigger things to struggle with?

Then I have Satan in disguise just hammering in on me, tempting me beyond belief. And God is letting me work out my faith and it hurts. It’s like my heart is hurting already about my losses and it hurts to be working so hard with a heart that is already injured. I guess I’m looking for the quick fix, the strong holding band-aid, the miracle cure or something along those lines. I just feel like all my work is just being sabotaged and I’m just tired of running on the treadmill of life. I want to be peacefully biking or strolling along in a happier place. I will run if I have to, but right now I feel like I’m doing so much strenuous work but it’s not showing for itself. Do I just think I’m working hard? Could I work harder?

I don’t know. Am I wrong? How do I gain perspective? I know I will only get better over time and I’ll always be changing and improving myself. I know I’ll always have struggles and need to look to God day to day, moment by moment. But right now I’m just longing to see the mountain top. I’m out of the valley but I’m just climbing and climbing. I feel like it’s a never-ending mountain. Do I have all the gear I need? Maybe I’m carrying too much? Anybody out there climbing too? Right now, I may just be dangling in my ropes awaiting my second wind. I need to recharge my batteries big time! Perhaps a vacation would help?

I want to reach a place of true rest and deep reflection. I know they say don’t look down but I kind of need to. I want a safe place to do that. Perhaps a quaint log cabin balcony? I could sit in a rocking chair in cool mountain air with long sleeves and a warm cup of tea or hot cocoa. I want to sit there for a long peaceful time watching the mountain fog clear a cloud at a time so I can slowly look down to the bottom of the mountain. I need to see how far I’ve climbed in these 6 months. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to see the bottom? Maybe I’ve climbed that far? Who knows? All I know is I’m sick of looking at the mountain top and wishing I was there. I want to be grateful for all the strength and resources God has given me along this trek. I want that true self deep inside me to jump for joy at the amazement of how far I’ve come. I guess that is my prayer. Pray God will reveal this to me. I need to hear it from my own voice or the voice of Jesus deep down inside my flesh. Please God, I need this!