Rearranging My Soul

“We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity.” – Joshua Loth Liebman

I love being reminded and reassured through my journey. I’ve been feeling frustrated that I’m still feeling pain from my wounds. I keep ripping off Band-aids and staring at my sources of pain wishing they were healed already. They aren’t raw but they aren’t scars yet and has left me wondering whether I’m missing out on some resourceful healing supplies.

My soul has felt cramped in this healing body. Though my insides are changing, I’ve never felt that my outside image matches my inside person. I haven’t completely found her either. I’m so cramped in this body that I can’t be the beautiful and amazingly healthy looking being God intended me to be. I feel tied down, twisted and tangled. I feel like I’m scrapping the walls of my muddy rut that I’m stuck in. I’ve been so frantically scrapping way that I’m finding it hard to quiet the anxiety and be still. I want out and I want out NOW. I can’t hear my soul, let alone God in all my busy flailing around.

I am made aware, even by unlikely sources, about how good a hand I’ve been dealt in my life. I am truly blessed and have support through many avenues. From my family and friends, to Henri Nouwen and Melody Beattie, I find words of encouragement and kinship. I find perspective and hope. I feel encouraged and assured that this is going to be a frightening and confusing stretch of the road. I’m trying to rearrange my soul and get rid of behaviors and beliefs that I find comfort and familiarity in.

I’m still holding on desperately to things I think will bring me peace but only leave me feeling more chaotic than ever. Just like I need to throw out my wholly charcoal gray long sleeved shirt that I wear during tough times, I need to stop clothing myself in scarlet sin to comfort when my soul feels insecure, vulnerable, lonely and needy. I need to get rid of seemingly good things to make room in my soul for GREAT things and TRUE change.

I’ve been encouraged by Henri to be close to my wounds, my abyss, but not too absorbed in the pain. He has encouraged me to cling to God’s promises; it’s the only thing I should be holding on to. Melody reminds me that I’m not alone on this journey, I maybe without a flashlight or a roadmap but God is with me and will provide me with those people to help lead me to true healing and change. I’m being flooded with hope in God’s promises to bring me from sorrow to serenity, from anguish to freedom. I’m excited to prepare myself to receive healing and more than enough joy and love that my heart overflows.

If you feel like you are rearranging the closet of your soul, join me in this prayer from Melody Beattie, “Today, God, help me believe that the changes I’m going through are for the good. Help me believe that the road I’m traveling will lead to a place of light, love and joy.” AMEN!