God's Temple

I started my job again this past week, hence the reason why this blog isn’t being updated as regularly. There are many positives about going back to work, some examples being making money again and the structure of having something to do for 12 hours. However, it has been eating up my energy this week so much that I have been a little delirious and sleep deprived which in turn has led me to some unhealthy decisions. I’m hoping that once my body and routine adjusts somewhat to the exhaustion of being a working woman again, I will be healthier and happier than ever. Even though the recent past hasn’t been very pleasant for me, the time off from work gave me a lot of time to recoup and relax. I’m trying to find a way to balance work and the fact that I am still in recovery. It’s been a little challenging, but I am truly enjoying every moment I have to sit and just breathe a lot more than I ever have before. I’m trying in these moments to be still and calm and let my soul soak up the silence and let the relaxation take over my body so that I can be a more useful and rested being for God to love. Yet, I feel frustrated at times because my being tries to reject this positive, rejuvenating energy that stillness brings because it is SOOOOO different from what it is used to. Also, my body, mind and soul doesn’t know how just be still and not analyze every little thing. I get frustrated by not knowing the answers to why certain things are happening in my life right now and it’s hard to be present when I’m anticipating how all events and situations at the present moment are shaping my future. I have to keep reminding myself that I am where I need to be right now and that God will give me everything I need for my day as it comes moment by moment. My therapist has been a big help too in reminding me of all that I am missing about God while I’m still in the fog.

Although I have been hesitant at times about going to therapy, I really am learning and realizing a lot. I really do have control/trust issues with God that need to be resolved. I am learning that I attach my self-image to my behaviors way to much which is really destructive when they are unhealthy behaviors. Even though I know I am human and I am not perfect, I’m really struggling with mistakes I make and I’m realizing that I really have to let go more and more. I was reminded by my therapist that God loved David even though he was a murderer and adulterer. He called him a man after his own heart! That’s amazing and just goes to show that God truly loves us regardless of what we do, as long as we are seeking him and loving him. I’ve been relearning that I should be seeking God in everything that I do, and therefore should be avoiding negative influences and situations in my life. I’m learning to acknowledge that God is supposed to dwell in us and that our bodies should be the temple that holds his spirit. I’m learning that my life and body should be a showcase for Jesus’ love and his spirit that has now reentered my life. I’m learning through therapy that I need to be constantly emptying myself so that God can fill me up.

So as the Easter season quickly approaches, I’m trying to be as reflective as I once was. I used to love the Holy Thursday service at my church growing up. It was such a reflective and emptying service illuminated by candlelight. It’s a time to think about the doom and death that sin brings. For me it was a great service and opportunity to empty myself from the sins and mourn over sin while reflecting on the pain it caused Christ to die for them. I guess in a way I’m hoping this year I can empty my temple more than ever, kind of like a major spring cleaning for my soul. That way on Easter Sunday (even though I have to work) I will have a wonderfully clean and beautiful shell of a temple for God to fill up as we celebrate Jesus’ resurrection and eternal life in him. I want my heart to be filled with love and spirit and joy as the trees turn green and the flowers start to burst from the earth. I want my temple to be warm with the glow of flickering candles of the light I should be showing to the world. I want my temple to be a quiet and restful place that is sturdy and well shaped inside and out. I want the dirty filthy junk in my soul to be gone so that my body is a beautiful, physically fit (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), healthy, and very positive place for God to reside always no matter where I am.  I want Jesus to enjoy the home I have in my heart for him, well deserved and long awaited.

Good Things

First, I have a couch! Thanks to some lovely people who helped make that possible!

Second, I picked up my charcoal again! It felt great and I'm 1/3 through my newest artistic work already!

Last but not least, I'm going back to work in the morning! Pray for continued strength and positivity. More to come later!

Stepping Stones

“If you find God with great ease, perhaps it is not God that you have found.” – Thomas Merton
Picture a small trickling creek. One side was the life I’ve left behind a LONG time ago. The other side is not visible. Actually the only thing I can see is the small stepping stones I’ve traveled on so far. Right now, I’m anxiously waiting on a stone in this small creek. However, a very short time ago this small creek was raging with flooding waters and I was drowning. Thankfully, things are a little more under control now. I am not drowning anymore but I’m in a very thick fog. A fog where I can’t see the next stepping stones, and forget about trying to see the other side of this creek, that is no where in sight.
When this river was raging with flood waters, I would equate this with the storm I was in this January. I was seriously drowning, and all of you were there with your little prayer buckets bailing me out as much as you could, but all you could really do was watch me tread water. I had to grow my muscles in these hard waters and you all could see my strength growing more and more.
So here I stand on my small stone, waiting for this fog to clear. I have no clue when that will be, God only knows. I’m here and it’s still kind of scary and very lonely. I see the old stones that I traveled on and I would be crazy to even think about going back on those smaller, even more unsteady stones to go back to the life I’m not meant to live anymore.
I know many of you, me included, are very interesting in seeing me on the other side of this whole thing. It’s unimaginable what’s there! I’m kind of excited and anxious to make the next step. But again, there is a fog and I would also be crazy to make a jump not knowing where the next stone is.
I know that when the fog clears a little or when God speaks, I will have that ambitious part of myself that will take hold and I will have the confidence to step or jump when God tells me it’s time. Who know, maybe the next part of my walk will be making it onto the other side. I don’t think so, I’m pretty sure I have other stones to walk on, some shaky, some slippery, some sturdy, and maybe there will be a small flood again as I walk but I do know some things. I can’t go backwards. I have to stay where I am right now and enjoy the positives at the moment.
I know that I am on the right stone. I know that the fog will clear. The fog is actually very pretty to look at sometimes. The fog is somewhat refreshing and cleansing. I know there is another side. I know God will bless me if I am patient and positive. I know he will bless me as I grow stronger while steadying myself on my wobbly stone. I know he is with me. I know my family and friends are there to help me when the waters rise again. I know they are there to lend me a hand as I take my steps and leaps.
I am just learning to stay still and just BE on this stone and since I have no where to go and nothing to really do. I’m learning to sing, to hear my own voice and soul. I’m also learning to be quiet so that I can hear things through this fog. See, I’ve been very loud and rebellious over these past few years. I’ve been controlling and frantic and anxious and scared to death at times. When God I believe is VERY patiently whispering to me and waiting. I can’t hear him the way that I’ve been and if I don’t learn to BE and SHUT UP I’m pretty sure it’s gonna take a while for me to get to the other side.
So just think of me while I wait on my unsteady stone in the middle of my creek in the middle of no where and be there for me if I need your little prayer bucket or your hand to steady me onto the next stone But please don’t SPEAK too much, please be STILL with me, please be PATIENT, please be LOVING, and don’t rush the fog. God knows what he’s doing. I will find him through the fog when it’s time.

God is...

God might be too big and vague for me to trust or at least that is my understanding of what is happening right now. Today, I’m pondering who/what God is. That is a HUGE question to wrestle. I don’t expect an answer… yet.
If we are truly in the present moment, than how are we ever to be impatient? If we BE, won’t God just meet us there? So am I running from just being? Why do I feel I need to control my life, when obviously my job is to leave that to God? But how do I trust a being I don't really know?
When you think of someone very special in your life, someone that you trust the most, there are certain qualities that exist. That person knows you well, they have known you for quite some time. They love you and want the best for you. You have seen, heard and touched this person in some time in your life and have seen, heard, or felt the things they have done in your life, good and bad. They are tangible and you trust. Sometimes this person may let you down, but overall you trust. You have a relationship with this person, and most likely it’s fulfilling because there is give and take and there is love.
So if you can have a relationship with the Creator of the Universe, how do you do it? What does that look like? I can only imagine that it would be even more wonderful and fulfilling than these trust-filled human relationships, because I am told God doesn’t change and he already knows me. So I’m thinking it probably would be pretty easy to trust if I could see, hear, and touch Him, right? Ah ha, but that’s not how it is. I’m really just left with questions, as always. Who is God? How can we BE together?

LOVE

So I woke up this morning feeling okay. I started my morning readings which were good as usual. I was continuing the pondering of meditation, and what is really meant by that. So I was just relaxing in bed and trying to be very PRESENT, which is all that meditation really is. Then I decided to pick up The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz and finish it off.
What a great little book! I intend to read it over and over again because its teachings are just so freeing. Basically, the book ended with prayers to the Creator of the Universe, prayers for freedom and love. It ended with a visualization of meeting a man by the river with light pouring out his head. This man was just filled with love and was explaining how he got that way, that his teacher opened his heart and pulled out a flame. He gave this flame to the man, put it in his heart and he was overflowing with love. He just would pour this love out into the trees, flowers, birds, and other human beings. I can’t do the illustration justice so you will just have to read the book to feel this for yourself.
After finishing this book today, I just felt so free and full of love. What does it matter if tomorrow I don’t wake up so enlightened? What if this love fades? Of course this is what my scared and negative self asks.
However, the positive self is growing stronger everyday. So it was saying what this book and so many others teach, that life is not promised to us tomorrow. We need to love today. We need to tell people that and not be afraid of judgment and their opinions. Love is powerful, love is GOD. Love is present and every wonderful thing you can think of. Why not love today? Why not share it? Do it today, show it, and share it. Just LOVE and be what you are today, regardless of any negative thing. Just be present in meditation, thankful for all that you have in THIS moment. Say THANK YOU and just LOVE.

If No One Will Listen

This is the first but not the last time I will use lyrics on my blog, for music moves the soul. Although I have great friends and family who WILL listen, I need to get over dependency on them this year. I need to be my friend and I need to be there to self-soothe myself in times of trouble. I need to be this for myself. Soo this song just struck at my heart tonight... it's as if Kelly Clarkson's voice can be the voice for my true innerself tonight that wants so desperately to love me and to tell me everything is gonna be okay because she is here and wants me to find her. So I will leave you with Kelly's lyrics... as I pray myself to sleep tonight...hoping I can find me in time.

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think there's enough that you would drown?
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
No one can tell you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
It's screaming every step, "Just stay here"
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

OOoops!

There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from.
–Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Imperfection is a hard thing for me to swallow, although I know I’m imperfect. As I go forward in this recovery process, it’s hard to get through the stumbles, the falls, the steps backwards. Everything happens for a reason I believe, but when things happen that hurt, things that make your heart wounds bleed, it’s hard in those moments to believe that there is a good reason for it all.
See when you are fragile and your heart is broken, you want someone to trust, someone who will be gentle. When you are lonely and are used to warmth and affection, you want someone to fill that space. When you’re fragile and lonely, it’s easy to be weak. My latest weakness led me to make a desperate choice because of the fogginess of my head and heart. I thought I could trust, I thought my heart could be held gently by someone who has been in my place before, someone who also was lonely. This is one of my steps backwards, I feel a big one.
How do you see the blessing or the silver lining in such rough patches? When your heart is cracked and wounds reopened and your tears are streaming down your cheeks, how do stop the self-blame? How do you pick yourself up from the floor like a toddler that has just fallen while learning how to walk and not be afraid of falling again? Who is there to protect you from yourself? When will I be able to see myself clearly and not be so critical when I make bad decisions?
Only God knows these answers. I just wish he would share them with me. I guess I will learn in time, learn from my weakness and set backs. However, I’m really exhausted right now dealing with all these changes and then feeling like I failed myself. I kept thinking how am I going to trust another person but really its scary not being able to trust myself. I just hope I can see a glimmer of a blessing in this lesson that I’m learning lately. I just hope I can learn to trust myself again. I just hope I can really TRULY MADLY DEEPLY fall in love with myself this year, imperfections and all.