This Little Mustard Seed of Mine, I’m Gonna Let It Grow

"You didn't have enough faith," Jesus told them. "I assure you, if you had faith as small as a mustard seed you could say to this mountain, 'move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."- Matthew 17:20, 21

“If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” –Matthew 21:22

This time last year I began mourning the loss of my paternal grandmother. Although we didn’t have the closest relationship as I was growing up, I felt deep sadness to not have her living among us anymore. I was more emotional than I ever thought I would be, hysterically sobbing driving unsafely to the nursing home where her lifeless body lay trying to see through my tears and the pouring rain outside. It was definitely a sign of the mourning that was to come in January.

It was as if her passing gave me the excuse to cry my eyes out and was preparing me for a much harder loss, the loss of my life as I knew it. The life I was living was not the one I was meant to be living, God knew it, and I refused to listen. What I thought would make me happy, hearing wedding bells, was making me miserable. I can’t even begin to imagine the hurt I put my Heavenly Father through as I rebelled.

I lived like the prodigal son and was scared of where I found myself. I found myself frightened and alone balling my eyes out in a strange room with strange people. I put all my heart and soul into the wrong people. As much as I love my family and, at the time, loved my fiancé, I had it all wrong. I was neglecting my soul and was building my “home” on shifting sand. I was sinking in horrible depression and panic, clawing and scrapping at the sides of my inner life, as every foothold gave way.

The only way to ground zero was to abandon everything, leaving me on a cold hard cement surface face first. What I didn’t realize was that this solid ground was exactly what I needed. God was working hard-core now because for the first time in a long time I was letting him breathe life into me. My life, my true life, was being resuscitated. I was finally letting God plant me in good soil and that meant returning home to him. It has been scary and uncomfortable as I’m faced with what I lack, but when I seek truth I find it. The truth is God loves me no matter what. I may have faith of a mustard seed but I know that is all I need.

My seed of faith has found sure ground next to a river of life, a river filled with tears of suffering and joy spilled by the body of Christ over many, many years. This water is nourishing and cleansing me. There is hope because I know this seed will grow. What better season to focus on this hope; hope in a small faith that can move mountains. Hope in such a small child that came thousands of years ago to bring joy and peace in the midst of our suffering. ‘Tis the season to welcome joy and peace as we are vulnerable and intimate with our closest friends and family. Let us remember our losses, how those tears have cleansed, how that emptiness allows us to be filled back up, and how our sorrow can be comforted. Even if we are left with only a small ray of hope, or a small seed of faith, remember to believe in the promise that it is enough. God’s love is enough!

Weighed Down

“Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us.” –Hebrews 12:1

It becomes clear to me when I don’t stay in the place where God dwells. My spirit feels significantly weighed down. When I’m weighed down, I feel tired and easy prey to sin. My vices aren’t hard to resist. I give in to them making me more weighed down, not just emotionally and spiritually, but literally weighed down physically.

Before this year, I was not at all willing to bring my burdens to God naked and vulnerable. Funny how we are afraid to be ourselves before God, right? Who are we trying to fool? Being vulnerable, not only to God but to humans, is scary. We don’t want to be harmed. We want to be safe and free when we come before God as spiritual lepers full of sores and scars from our own self-destructive behaviors, reeking from our infectious sins, and incomplete from losing parts of ourselves along this seemingly lonely journey.

So recently I’ve been very un-free from my vices. I’ve been weighed down by all of them. My body feels so much heavier in so many ways. The junk I put into my heart, soul and body has been making me feel like I’m in prison. I have no one to blame but myself. Then I feel like I’m sitting in a cold, dark and damp cell with no one as a cell mate. I forget that Jesus was actually my cell mate and already served my sentence for me. As I live with huge sandbags filled with guilt, self-hatred and worldly desires on my shoulders, trying to run away from God, I quickly become exhausted.

Last week, God began leading me closer to the place of true vulnerability and peaceful realization. I have been reminded of two stories: the Temptation of Jesus in Matthew 4 and You are Special by Max Lucado. Jesus’ story has reminded me that we will be tested in this life but if we prepare ourselves for these tests by letting God fill us up with love we will be able to pass the tests with flying colors. Jesus was ready for the temptation in the desert because He was so connected to his father from many days and nights of fasting. I find it hard to stay connected to God daily and feel truly satisfied with being in the contact with the God of love. I often feel the desire for human contact and love, but during those times is when I need to be extremely discerning. We have to search for this true love in God. For the human contact, we may not get what our insatiable human body wants but we will get what we need in a wholesome way if we just ask God to fulfill that desire. During this time of testing Jesus had such trust in God, he didn’t have to contemplate whether or not he should try to prove God’s faithfulness to anyone by jumping off the temple top. He knew without a doubt that God would, as a quote I read once, either give him a safe place to land or wings to fly. I definitely don’t trust God to give me a safe foundation to land on or even the wings should I need to fly. I don’t trust that he will give me what I want or what I need. It is truly sad. My soul needs to confess and shed its heavy wings so that it can fly.

Max’s story has reminded me that the only opinion that matters is Gods, not even my own. That I need to be returning to God daily, trading off my clothes soaked with water and pockets filled with filthy sand for fresh, breathable linens of love and grace. Also, I’ve been learning that I have to start befriending my body and soul. I have to start seeing myself how God sees me and not this weighed down and weary being. And if I don’t feel like I’m anywhere close to the picture God has of me, then maybe I have to ask for forgiveness and start taking action on becoming more like a noble Proverbs 31 woman. I have to become a woman who tries to clothe herself in dignity and wisdom, who laughs at her silly mistakes instead of feeling guilt and despair. I want to become a woman who relies on God’s strength as I work hard at nurturing a fruitful and successful soul while being hospitable and gracious to others. I pray through exercising my faith and prayer life that I can be humble if my character is praised by my family and friends because of the beauty they see from a woman covered in God’s love and grace due to obedience and trust.

Thankful for Candles

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me.” –Psalm 13:5,6

I’ve been putting together a wish list for my mother, pictures included so she knows exactly what I’m looking for. I do this every year around this time to give her ideas of what she could get me for Christmas. As I’ve gotten older and more mature, I’ve realized that Christmas isn’t about gifts but I’ve become fond of giving. Therefore, I want my mom to still have the opportunity to give. ;)

I also like the opportunity to give and am really struggling to hold back from spending beyond my means to fulfill that desire. Yet while I’m out shopping for others I often window shop for myself. Then I come home and try to put away the gifts, cleaning closets to make room. I was cleaning today and was in the kitchen and routinely flipped over the page of my daily calendar. Today, it was referring to the passage in the Bible when Jesus fed 5,000 people and my mind started rolling.

After the short verse on my calendar, it read “there is a principle here that bears repeating. Jesus GAVE THANKS for what He had and God multiplied it to what He needed.” My sin-tainted mind quickly thought of what things I “needed” for Christmas and gave thanks for tea bags (I was in the kitchen) and candles. Obviously not things that are a necessity really but things I enjoy and bring much needed peacefulness to my soul and thought “hey if I give thanks the tea bags and candles I have now will multiply.” As I continued to clean out my closets and prepare for the quickly approaching holidays I realized I had quite a few fall-ish smelling candles lying around, more than I thought I had. I felt like God already multiplied my thanksgiving of my candles. I said another thanks and continued to meditate on that miracle of Jesus and the disciples feeding 5,000 and hungered for the deeper principle that God was trying to feed me.

As I sit and browse through the disciples accounts of this miracle, I obviously find some difference in their recollections of the events but I find repeated things that when consolidated really expand my souls yearning for giving of thanks.

First, this event followed Jesus finding out the news of his dear friend John the Baptist’s death. He was dealing with loss at this time and withdrew to a quiet place for peace, rest and reflection. As he did this, crowds swarmed around him and his disciples making life pretty chaotic and busy. Isn’t it strange that sometimes when there are sad moments of the soul, life seems to get a little crazier causing added stress making it harder to find peace? Much like the Christmas season huh? Sometimes the holidays can be a sad time for people because of loss and loneliness in life yet through it we have to be merry and seemingly feed thousands of people cookies and all kinds of holiday treats.

Yet even through this time of craziness and perhaps some sadness Jesus and the disciples still kept plugging along with miracles, teaching and healing. The gospels tell us that Jesus felt compassion for the crowds, people who were hurt, lost, and in need of healing and guidance, and continued to respond. It reminds me that through my hurt and consumption of my problems sometimes, I have to remind myself to not be selfish and continue to give to people. Life still rolls on and people around me will still have emptiness and needs that will require fulfilling.

One of the needs that arose during the disciples teaching was not just filling people minds and hearts with good news but these people had to fill their tummies with good food. The question of who would respond to this need arose and Jesus knew just how to respond even though the disciples didn’t know how in the world they would fulfill this enormous need. I was reminded that when we ask God or others to respond to our needs sometimes we get answers and help but sometimes we don’t. And even still sometimes I get annoyed when I’m asked to supply my own needs.

Jesus responded in this way to the situation. When the disciples asked how in the world they would have the resources, Jesus showed them they had the resources at their finger tips. Of course 5 small loaves of bread and two fish seemed like not enough at all. Isn’t that just like how we feel sometimes about our own strengths and God-given gifts? We seem to always want more. I think we have to be reminded that all we need will be provided even when things seem unending, impossible, dark and hopeless.

The next step was to divide the crowds into smaller groups. Why this was done I’m not really sure but I can think of some ideas. Maybe it was to get a better picture/way of seeing how many people they had to feed? Maybe it was a psychological trick to make the disciples feel like 100 groups was a smaller number than 5,000 people? Maybe it was just to divide people into fun fellowship groups as they dined? Either way I see this repeated factor as a way to show that sometimes when we are faced with a need, we need to plan and regroup and get a really good look at our resources and how big the need really is. It’s also a time of prayer and discernment or just a short moment to catch our breath.

Then, the loaves and fish were brought to Jesus. He broke them and GAVE THANKS. Just like that 5,000 people were fed all from 7 pieces of food!!! What a response huh? All Jesus had to do was GIVE THANKS to God for the small amount of resources they had and WHAM…God honored that heart of thanksgiving. He made their supply drastically multiply. Not only did he provide he made the loaves and fish feast overflow. It was like a buffet. Not only did this crowd have a small piece of bread or a morsel of fish. These accounts in scripture echo the fact that these people had as much as they wanted to satisfy them. And then after what I picture as everyone’s guts overflowing with bread and fish, the disciples gathered the broken pieces of leftovers and still could fill 12 baskets full of scraps!

This reminds me of how awesome it is to give thanks. God totally deserves it with every breath we take. And when we take time to really give thanks with our hearts, how fabulous do you feel? Fantastic, huh? And then if we really do have a response of pure thanksgiving in our soul, God responses back with more and more blessings. Amazing right?

One more thing to point out about this story is that Jesus wanted the broken pieces and leftovers to be saved. Nothing was to go to waste. What they did with the leftovers I’m not sure but reminds me of our brokenness and how often we waste our gifts. We are broken people and are often clueless little lost sheep. Even still God loves us and wants all of us, even the yucky, soggy, smelly and ugly parts of us. In everything we have and do, he wants us to praise him too. He wants us to use dark times, weird talents, skeletons in the closets to tell our story. He wants our stories and our lives to shine through the darkness. He wants our light, his bright flame in our soul, to make others thankful for their candles too!

Whose Life Is It Anyway?

"For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.”

–Matthew 16:25

“Try to picture the man to always have an open hand See him as a giving tree… Live high, live mighty Live righteously taking it easy Singin’ oh, just take it easy and celebrate the malleable reality You see nothing is ever as it seems, yea this life is but a dream.”

–Jason Mraz

Last night at PM it got me to thinking about how much God gives us. We are quickly approaching the Christmas season which is a perfect time to be pondering giving and receiving. I think what struck me most about the words spoken last night was that I have to be open to receive the gifts God gives. What troubles me is that I don’t think I effectively free myself to receive all the good that God has to give me. I hold on too tight to my life and what I think will give me pleasure when God has much better things in store. For example, past relationships. I continue to hold on to what might have been instead of giving it up and moving on, clearing the love receptors for higher and more fulfilling and respectful love.

Is it wrong to feel scared and anxious about the blessings I’m promised to receive if I live high, live mighty, and live righteously? I feel like I would be so overwhelmed with emotions like some really deserving person walking into a room filled with close souls ready to pour out love and gifts to celebrate how special that person is to them. I might just die. I’m still really struggling with giving my life to God, to losing myself and gaining him and in return really finding myself. Henri Nouwen puts it into words best:

“It is a place where I so much want to be, but am so fearful of being. It is the place where I will receive all I desire, all that I ever hoped for, all that I will ever need, but it is also the place where I have to let go of all I most want to hold on to. It is a place that confronts me with the fact that truly accepting love, forgiveness, and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving, and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and complete trust.”

I’ve been trying to carve my hopes and dreams into stone, into my stone cold heart. I’ve been trying to let God know what my plans are or what I think he should do. I don’t really think God needs suggestions or a wish list to know what I might like to happen with my future. I’m pretty sure he knows me better than I do. I like the sign I saw the other day, as pictured on this blog. I should definitely be writing in pencil and letting God erase as much as he wants. I’m just scared of letting go and trusting because my human mind still can not grasp the concept of agape love. That is my prayer for the rest of my life to ponder whose life I am truly living.

God, help me as I become vulnerable and honest with myself and you. Help me free myself of guilt, insecurity, destructive behavior, distrust, anger and impatience. I want to be free to receive your healing, guidance, acceptance, forgiveness, peace and unfailing love. I’m scared to approach your throne and return as a prodigal daughter. Be near and comfort me as I shake with fright and nakedness. Help me to be drawn to your warmth and light.