Whose Life Is It Anyway?

"For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.”

–Matthew 16:25

“Try to picture the man to always have an open hand See him as a giving tree… Live high, live mighty Live righteously taking it easy Singin’ oh, just take it easy and celebrate the malleable reality You see nothing is ever as it seems, yea this life is but a dream.”

–Jason Mraz

Last night at PM it got me to thinking about how much God gives us. We are quickly approaching the Christmas season which is a perfect time to be pondering giving and receiving. I think what struck me most about the words spoken last night was that I have to be open to receive the gifts God gives. What troubles me is that I don’t think I effectively free myself to receive all the good that God has to give me. I hold on too tight to my life and what I think will give me pleasure when God has much better things in store. For example, past relationships. I continue to hold on to what might have been instead of giving it up and moving on, clearing the love receptors for higher and more fulfilling and respectful love.

Is it wrong to feel scared and anxious about the blessings I’m promised to receive if I live high, live mighty, and live righteously? I feel like I would be so overwhelmed with emotions like some really deserving person walking into a room filled with close souls ready to pour out love and gifts to celebrate how special that person is to them. I might just die. I’m still really struggling with giving my life to God, to losing myself and gaining him and in return really finding myself. Henri Nouwen puts it into words best:

“It is a place where I so much want to be, but am so fearful of being. It is the place where I will receive all I desire, all that I ever hoped for, all that I will ever need, but it is also the place where I have to let go of all I most want to hold on to. It is a place that confronts me with the fact that truly accepting love, forgiveness, and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving, and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and complete trust.”

I’ve been trying to carve my hopes and dreams into stone, into my stone cold heart. I’ve been trying to let God know what my plans are or what I think he should do. I don’t really think God needs suggestions or a wish list to know what I might like to happen with my future. I’m pretty sure he knows me better than I do. I like the sign I saw the other day, as pictured on this blog. I should definitely be writing in pencil and letting God erase as much as he wants. I’m just scared of letting go and trusting because my human mind still can not grasp the concept of agape love. That is my prayer for the rest of my life to ponder whose life I am truly living.

God, help me as I become vulnerable and honest with myself and you. Help me free myself of guilt, insecurity, destructive behavior, distrust, anger and impatience. I want to be free to receive your healing, guidance, acceptance, forgiveness, peace and unfailing love. I’m scared to approach your throne and return as a prodigal daughter. Be near and comfort me as I shake with fright and nakedness. Help me to be drawn to your warmth and light.