"You didn't have enough faith," Jesus told them. "I assure you, if you had faith as small as a mustard seed you could say to this mountain, 'move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."- Matthew 17:20, 21
“If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” –Matthew 21:22
This time last year I began mourning the loss of my paternal grandmother. Although we didn’t have the closest relationship as I was growing up, I felt deep sadness to not have her living among us anymore. I was more emotional than I ever thought I would be, hysterically sobbing driving unsafely to the nursing home where her lifeless body lay trying to see through my tears and the pouring rain outside. It was definitely a sign of the mourning that was to come in January.
It was as if her passing gave me the excuse to cry my eyes out and was preparing me for a much harder loss, the loss of my life as I knew it. The life I was living was not the one I was meant to be living, God knew it, and I refused to listen. What I thought would make me happy, hearing wedding bells, was making me miserable. I can’t even begin to imagine the hurt I put my Heavenly Father through as I rebelled.
I lived like the prodigal son and was scared of where I found myself. I found myself frightened and alone balling my eyes out in a strange room with strange people. I put all my heart and soul into the wrong people. As much as I love my family and, at the time, loved my fiancé, I had it all wrong. I was neglecting my soul and was building my “home” on shifting sand. I was sinking in horrible depression and panic, clawing and scrapping at the sides of my inner life, as every foothold gave way.
The only way to ground zero was to abandon everything, leaving me on a cold hard cement surface face first. What I didn’t realize was that this solid ground was exactly what I needed. God was working hard-core now because for the first time in a long time I was letting him breathe life into me. My life, my true life, was being resuscitated. I was finally letting God plant me in good soil and that meant returning home to him. It has been scary and uncomfortable as I’m faced with what I lack, but when I seek truth I find it. The truth is God loves me no matter what. I may have faith of a mustard seed but I know that is all I need.
My seed of faith has found sure ground next to a river of life, a river filled with tears of suffering and joy spilled by the body of Christ over many, many years. This water is nourishing and cleansing me. There is hope because I know this seed will grow. What better season to focus on this hope; hope in a small faith that can move mountains. Hope in such a small child that came thousands of years ago to bring joy and peace in the midst of our suffering. ‘Tis the season to welcome joy and peace as we are vulnerable and intimate with our closest friends and family. Let us remember our losses, how those tears have cleansed, how that emptiness allows us to be filled back up, and how our sorrow can be comforted. Even if we are left with only a small ray of hope, or a small seed of faith, remember to believe in the promise that it is enough. God’s love is enough!
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