Weighed Down

“Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us.” –Hebrews 12:1

It becomes clear to me when I don’t stay in the place where God dwells. My spirit feels significantly weighed down. When I’m weighed down, I feel tired and easy prey to sin. My vices aren’t hard to resist. I give in to them making me more weighed down, not just emotionally and spiritually, but literally weighed down physically.

Before this year, I was not at all willing to bring my burdens to God naked and vulnerable. Funny how we are afraid to be ourselves before God, right? Who are we trying to fool? Being vulnerable, not only to God but to humans, is scary. We don’t want to be harmed. We want to be safe and free when we come before God as spiritual lepers full of sores and scars from our own self-destructive behaviors, reeking from our infectious sins, and incomplete from losing parts of ourselves along this seemingly lonely journey.

So recently I’ve been very un-free from my vices. I’ve been weighed down by all of them. My body feels so much heavier in so many ways. The junk I put into my heart, soul and body has been making me feel like I’m in prison. I have no one to blame but myself. Then I feel like I’m sitting in a cold, dark and damp cell with no one as a cell mate. I forget that Jesus was actually my cell mate and already served my sentence for me. As I live with huge sandbags filled with guilt, self-hatred and worldly desires on my shoulders, trying to run away from God, I quickly become exhausted.

Last week, God began leading me closer to the place of true vulnerability and peaceful realization. I have been reminded of two stories: the Temptation of Jesus in Matthew 4 and You are Special by Max Lucado. Jesus’ story has reminded me that we will be tested in this life but if we prepare ourselves for these tests by letting God fill us up with love we will be able to pass the tests with flying colors. Jesus was ready for the temptation in the desert because He was so connected to his father from many days and nights of fasting. I find it hard to stay connected to God daily and feel truly satisfied with being in the contact with the God of love. I often feel the desire for human contact and love, but during those times is when I need to be extremely discerning. We have to search for this true love in God. For the human contact, we may not get what our insatiable human body wants but we will get what we need in a wholesome way if we just ask God to fulfill that desire. During this time of testing Jesus had such trust in God, he didn’t have to contemplate whether or not he should try to prove God’s faithfulness to anyone by jumping off the temple top. He knew without a doubt that God would, as a quote I read once, either give him a safe place to land or wings to fly. I definitely don’t trust God to give me a safe foundation to land on or even the wings should I need to fly. I don’t trust that he will give me what I want or what I need. It is truly sad. My soul needs to confess and shed its heavy wings so that it can fly.

Max’s story has reminded me that the only opinion that matters is Gods, not even my own. That I need to be returning to God daily, trading off my clothes soaked with water and pockets filled with filthy sand for fresh, breathable linens of love and grace. Also, I’ve been learning that I have to start befriending my body and soul. I have to start seeing myself how God sees me and not this weighed down and weary being. And if I don’t feel like I’m anywhere close to the picture God has of me, then maybe I have to ask for forgiveness and start taking action on becoming more like a noble Proverbs 31 woman. I have to become a woman who tries to clothe herself in dignity and wisdom, who laughs at her silly mistakes instead of feeling guilt and despair. I want to become a woman who relies on God’s strength as I work hard at nurturing a fruitful and successful soul while being hospitable and gracious to others. I pray through exercising my faith and prayer life that I can be humble if my character is praised by my family and friends because of the beauty they see from a woman covered in God’s love and grace due to obedience and trust.