Finding My Inner Voice of LOVE

I'm always struck by Henri Nouwen's words when I read from the book "The Inner Voice of Love." It is an amazing book. I think anyone could relate to it. Here is what I read today.

The chapter is Acknowledging Your Powerlessness.

"A seed only flourishes by staying in the ground in which it is sown. When you keep digging the seed up to check whether it is growing, it will never bear fruit. Think about yourself as a little seed planted in rich soil. All you have to do is stay there and trust that the soil contains everything you need to grow. This growth takes place even when you do not feel it. Be quiet, acknowledge your powerlessness, and have faith that one day you will know how much you have received."

Wow huh? Well even if you aren't saying wow, this is why I am. I try to have so much control of my life and I really end up running myself ragged. I've been trying to fast and have some kind of control over this whole new beginning that's brewing in February. I've stressed myself out to the point where I have lowered my immunity and become vulnerable to yet again another winter head-cold. I keep digging at myself and seeking from others to confirm that I have grown through the last year. I keep running around busying myself with fake control making myself very fruitless. I have not acknowledged powerlessness like many of us. I keep pushing against the insides of myself to go to somewhere, something, someone else instead of staying with myself and being patient with my little seed.

I am starting to see that I have been planted by God in VERY rich soil. I have an awesome family, great friends and a wonderful body of Christ, through Circle of Hope, that I'm yearning to know more about. I have plenty to be grateful for and plenty of nutrients to help me grow as an individual. I keep trying to check to see if I'm growing into a beautiful butterfly but all I keep doing is disrupting this cocoon process and seeing this ugly mess of a half creature trying to be transformed. I have to be okay if I don't feel miraculous changes day to day, week to week, month to month. I have to learn to be quiet in the darkness and let myself be transformed and just continue to WAIT until that moment when God will give me the okay to spread my beautiful wings and fly.

Falling in Love Again

I often have a really hard time trying to be still and present. What makes this more troubling is that I long to feel God and realize, because of this lack of presence, I often miss out on being where God is. I get bored with the day/minute I’m in and wish for something more exciting in the future. Then, there is the past that I can’t forget. But just for a moment I want to say that this time last year was my first full day out of the hospital. Oh the places I have gone!

After I kind of regrouped a little, I started to embark on this journey of self-love. What I’m noticing through this year is that I’ve grown quite sick of feeling stuck in the mess of my suffering. I feel like I’m wallowing in the wound healing process instead of patching them up, leaving the bandages securely in place and focusing on the work I have to do. My soul definitely wants to fall in love again and feel something wonderful and beautiful for sure. However, I think I picked the wrong love journey. It’s been said you have to lose yourself to really find yourself. This can only be done by losing yourself in the process of learning to love God with your whole heart, mind, soul and strength.

I definitely know how to lose myself in a love relationship. I’ve done that before which brought me up to where I was about a year ago. Obviously, I can never do that again by falling in love with another human being. Of course, I hope to fall in love again with a man, and hopefully one day with my children, but before I can do that I need to go back to my first love.

Jesus needs to be my first love. I sometimes wonder if I have ever really put this love relationship first in my life ever before. I get so caught up in the human relationships that I can physically see and touch. I become obsessed and forget to spend time with God. Its funny how I’ve never felt fulfilled in my human relationships. That’s because I’m trying to get some love needs fulfilled with them and God is the only one that can completely satisfy them. He knows I need to be loved by time and words of affirmation. Who better to get to fill that time need but God? He has all the time on his hands and will never feel like I’m too needy or smothering. For words of affirmation, I need to keep reading his words to me and really feeling that those words were spoken just for me.

To the rest of the world, especially this time of year, falling in love and becoming consumed by human love relationships looks completely normal. I’m aware that this new love adventure may seem a little strange to most. I’m not sure how it will look but I’m pretty sure it will feel a little unnatural and awkward, much like I’ve felt walking alone slowly down the aisle as a bridesmaid of a wedding. You know you’re doing it right if you feel pretty darn uncomfortable. So I’m reminded that if waiting on the Lord seems a little uncomfortable, I’m probably doing the right thing. It’s not what I’m used to.

However, God doesn’t intend for us to be doing this alone. Yes, this is a very personal relationship but God wants the same from all of us. He wants us to help each other out along the way. This has become hard for me to grasp as well, especially since the events of the past year have illuminated my codependency issues. I’m still trying to work this out and most of the time I fail. I have to realize that I need to fully rely on God but to not forget to involve others in the process. So as I walk this journey I pray that you will walk it with me. My right hand will be firmly grasping the hand of God but I still have another hand that needs holding. Come walk with us and feel the LOVE!

Waiting In My Temporary Home

I'm waiting... waiting to hear from God. I'm having a hard time doing this. I can't sit still. I can't be silent. I can't seem to do much really. I'm waiting to find out where God is taking me next, how will he show me the direction I need for these big decisions in my head. I'm not only waiting in my temporary residence (my apartment) but I'm waiting in this temporary home (earth). Please pray for me at this time.

While I’m Waiting -John Waller

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

Carrie Underwood-Temporary Home

Little boy, six years old
A little too used to being alone
Another new mom and dad, another school
Another house that’ll never be home

When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face

This is my temporary home
It’s not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I’m passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home

Mmmmm

A young mom on her own
She needs a little help, got no where to go
She’s looking for a job, looking for a way out
‘Cause a half-way house will never be a home

At night she whispers to her baby girl
Someday we’ll find our place here in this world

This is our temporary home
It’s not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we’re passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where we’re going
I’m not afraid because I know
This is our temporary home

Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers, “don’t cry for me,
I’ll see you all someday”

He looks up and says,
“I can see God’s face”

This is my temporary home
It’s not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I’m passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home

Mmmmm

This is our temporary home

Unveiling

“A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work.” – Ecclesiastes 2:24

^“But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Another year has begun and I find myself very relieved that the holidays are over. However, I feel like I have to brace myself for the cold, bitter and lonely January. I will be looking forward to the spring sun just like anyone else. Also, resolving to lose those extra pounds and more that I’ve gained over the holidays and past years. Yet, I am trying to go through this year reflecting on the past year in gratitude. I want to challenge myself even more but give credit to how far I’ve come since last January. Who knows, maybe I’ll write a book.

As I begin this year, I’ve been thinking a lot about my present suffering and how it has been transforming me. I’ve been reevaluating so many things I do in my life, one being the Christmas celebration. I need to figure out a comfortable way to celebrate next year because this year I was very uptight about how Santa and Christmas trees fit into a Nativity scene. Along with that, I want to focus on how each week of my life last year had significant impact on the person that I am and who I’m becoming. I feel this year is going to be even bigger than last and I don’t want to forget about the present as I’m reflecting on the long, hard year that has past.

First things first, this year I will be looking in anticipation for my new home come February. That should be exciting. I hope that it will be a huge opportunity to live in community and to have freedom to explore my career options. Not that I don’t enjoy working where I work now, I just don’t feel like I’m coming alive there. I want to find greater satisfaction and more purpose with what I do. Don’t get me wrong though I’m definitely trying to be focused on the little moments there. It’s hard sometimes but it is very rewarding when I do have good reflection of my every move as I offer life saving actions, gentle swaddling and deep, thoughtful prayers for the lives I come in contact with. I’m just looking for what God wants me to do next.

As I seek to find what God wants me to do next, I know it will be full of hard decisions but great rewards. I want to be more intentional about all I do in life and I want to reflect more of Christ through my actions and words. I want to continue on this road to greater love, of God, self and others. In this, I hope to increase the beauty of my confidence knowing that my beauty comes by reflecting trust in Jesus and the love he has to offer. I want to get ever more comfortable in this way of living so that I want less and less of human desires that make me venture back into my old world. Although this old world is familiar, it’s destructive and I want to keep building on this awesome foundation God slammed down last January. Even though I’m far from the ultimate unveiling of my new self, I want to be able to invite people into some of the parts of myself that are livable and newly renovated. I’m excited that I’m finally coming together.