Falling in Love Again

I often have a really hard time trying to be still and present. What makes this more troubling is that I long to feel God and realize, because of this lack of presence, I often miss out on being where God is. I get bored with the day/minute I’m in and wish for something more exciting in the future. Then, there is the past that I can’t forget. But just for a moment I want to say that this time last year was my first full day out of the hospital. Oh the places I have gone!

After I kind of regrouped a little, I started to embark on this journey of self-love. What I’m noticing through this year is that I’ve grown quite sick of feeling stuck in the mess of my suffering. I feel like I’m wallowing in the wound healing process instead of patching them up, leaving the bandages securely in place and focusing on the work I have to do. My soul definitely wants to fall in love again and feel something wonderful and beautiful for sure. However, I think I picked the wrong love journey. It’s been said you have to lose yourself to really find yourself. This can only be done by losing yourself in the process of learning to love God with your whole heart, mind, soul and strength.

I definitely know how to lose myself in a love relationship. I’ve done that before which brought me up to where I was about a year ago. Obviously, I can never do that again by falling in love with another human being. Of course, I hope to fall in love again with a man, and hopefully one day with my children, but before I can do that I need to go back to my first love.

Jesus needs to be my first love. I sometimes wonder if I have ever really put this love relationship first in my life ever before. I get so caught up in the human relationships that I can physically see and touch. I become obsessed and forget to spend time with God. Its funny how I’ve never felt fulfilled in my human relationships. That’s because I’m trying to get some love needs fulfilled with them and God is the only one that can completely satisfy them. He knows I need to be loved by time and words of affirmation. Who better to get to fill that time need but God? He has all the time on his hands and will never feel like I’m too needy or smothering. For words of affirmation, I need to keep reading his words to me and really feeling that those words were spoken just for me.

To the rest of the world, especially this time of year, falling in love and becoming consumed by human love relationships looks completely normal. I’m aware that this new love adventure may seem a little strange to most. I’m not sure how it will look but I’m pretty sure it will feel a little unnatural and awkward, much like I’ve felt walking alone slowly down the aisle as a bridesmaid of a wedding. You know you’re doing it right if you feel pretty darn uncomfortable. So I’m reminded that if waiting on the Lord seems a little uncomfortable, I’m probably doing the right thing. It’s not what I’m used to.

However, God doesn’t intend for us to be doing this alone. Yes, this is a very personal relationship but God wants the same from all of us. He wants us to help each other out along the way. This has become hard for me to grasp as well, especially since the events of the past year have illuminated my codependency issues. I’m still trying to work this out and most of the time I fail. I have to realize that I need to fully rely on God but to not forget to involve others in the process. So as I walk this journey I pray that you will walk it with me. My right hand will be firmly grasping the hand of God but I still have another hand that needs holding. Come walk with us and feel the LOVE!