Positively Pathetic?

When things aren’t going so hot, it seems it is easier to be negative. However, I’m hearing that’s not the natural way of life. That was the old me. I should try to make positivity more natural for myself. I’m trying and lately quite pathetically.

I could be thinking about such negative things at the moment, like how sick I’ve been lately, how lonely I’ve been and wanting to call someone I shouldn’t be calling, about how annoyed I’ve been watching people who can’t help themselves, and about such bad and unfortunate things that can happen in this life. I could be gossiping non-stop dragging other people into the energy drain of complaining and discussing such negative things in life. I have done some of these things but more importantly I’ve been a little self-destructive. I’ve been creeping back into my old ways of dealing with low emotions. Where did my drive to get really healthy go?? Where did that desire to find joy go??

It’s weird to be kinda wishing I was back where I was a few months ago, almost as if I forget how horrible I felt. Thinking that maybe when I was in such intense therapy I felt the most clarity, the most work was being done. I want that back?? I think the adrenaline was flowing like it flows after a bad car accident. You don’t realize how hurt you are until that wears off. I think it’s worn off and now I’m left with this sort of low achy feeling. I felt like it was flowing so much because there were big steps I needed to make and God knew I wouldn’t have been able to do such things without that boost, as to keep me from feeling the actual pain that such situations were causing. Now, I feel like I’ve lost my edge per se or the clarity I had about my life. I feel like I’ve lost myself a little again. How frustrating right? I’m not going to throw myself a pity party though. That never works.

I have to think about the positive. I am feeling better and I will continue to feel better. The healthiness that is in store for me is beyond imagination. I’m not going to should on myself about what has been happening or what could have made it better. I can start back again on my health train. I can have a healthy body and I can boost my immunity to sick emotions. I can find ways to resist bad urges of senselessness. I can find ways to make myself feel less lonely or to embrace it and take a chill pill in those moments of being alone with myself. I think I’ve lost the purpose of why I am living on my own. I need to be reminded to keep in good company and if that means the best is to be by myself then so be it. I will not settle for second best and I will not put myself around people that will not let things roll on down the road to recovery. I have to do this and I have to be strong because I love myself. I deserve more respect and less drama. I need to remember that I’m only responsible for my side of relationships. I can’t change other people. I have to be the best me I can be and just pray that others will be the best they can be. I need to learn not to judge and to learn to love those who don’t seem to be helping themselves. They are not my responsibility. I’m only responsible for myself.

Bad things are going to happen in life. That will never change. It’s not my duty to figure things out. It’s my duty to be me and to love. I do such a pathetic job of living my life if I forget to focus on this. Love is a verb. Loving yourself can take as much work as loving others. I want to get to the point where it doesn’t feel as strenuous and overworked. That was what this year is about right? Learning to love me and to do it with ease, so I can move on to sharing love with someone else. Someday that love I have will overflow into the hearts of my husband and children. It’s OK to be 26 and not to have that love overflowing yet. I can’t be rushed. Life isn’t about destinations, it's about the journey. The journey should be filled with joy in purposeful living. Joy in love. Delighting in the One that is love. Life can be positively pure joy if we can learn to stop being so pathetically attached to negativity. Living positively today is what I need to be doing and doing it the best I can. No one can ask for more. If that is done, you can’t be pathetic only pleased.

Alabaster Box- Cece Winans

The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus
She stumbles through the tears that made her blind
She felt such pain, some spoke in anger
Heard folks whisper, there's no place here for her kind.
Still on she came, through the shame that flushed her face
Until at last she knelt before His feet. And though she spoke no words
Everything she said was heard, As she poured her love for the Master
From her box of Alabaster.
 
And I've come to pour my praise on Him like oil from Mary's Alabaster Box
Don't be angry if I wash His feet with my tears and I dry them with my hair.
You weren't there the night He found me. 
You did not feel what I felt when He wrapped His love all around me. 
And you don't know the cost of the oil in my Alabaster Box.

 
I can't forget the way life used to be. I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound
I spent my days pouring my life without measure. 
Into a little treasure box I thought I found.

Until the day when Jesus came to me
And healed my soul with the wonder of His touch. 
So now I'm giving back to Him all the praise He's worthy of . 
I've been forgiven and that's why I love Him so much.


And I've come to pour my praise on Him like oil from Mary's Alabaster Box
Don't be angry if I wash His feet with my tears 
And I dry them with my hair, my hair.
You weren't there the night Jesus found me. You did not feel what I felt 
When He wrapped His loving arms around me. And you don't know the cost of the oil 
Oh, you don't know the cost of my praise. You don't know the cost of the oil
In my Alabaster Box.

A Beautiful Life

“Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.” – Helen Keller

            Although sometimes there is stormy weather in my soul, most of the time there is sunshine. I’m really enjoying being a single parent of a brand new kitty, Wallace, in my own apartment. I had a swell of complete joy in my soul the other day walking around my apartment and thought to myself “I never want to leave.”

            I’ve been reading about how your home is a reflection of your personality and it is so true, or at least it should be. The times in my life where my surrounding area is a mess with clean/dirty laundry and just complete clutter are the times when I’m going a little crazy inside as well. It’s nice that life works that way for me, because it’s a good reminder to clean things up and get back on track. Lately, I’ve been very organized and very on track with making my life a beautiful one. I’ve been trying to clear the chaos and clutter from my apartment, my email inboxes and my body. Wallace has been enjoying his clean spacious life in a warm and cozy apartment (except he doesn’t like when I vacuum), my mail and bills have been organized and my body is slowly saying goodbye to lbs.           

            Physically, I’ve been becoming healthier eating lots of edamame (my new favorite veggie, fresh and dry) and other healthier options. I’ve been working out on my days off unless I’m too comatose from night shift, but usually I’m workin’ it and losing lbs along the way. Yay! For all who do not know, I’m on a Biggest Loser Challenge adventure for myself and can’t wait for the day I will be sitting on a tropical beach with my new lean body in a bikini sipping some kind of drink with an umbrella. What a proud moment that will be for me! Anyone is welcome to join me on that journey and sit along side me with their skinnier self basking in the sun. Just let me know, and I will get you started!

            Mentally, I’ve been churning the wheels of my brain to move towards a massage therapy part-time career. I really want to be able to pass on my spirit and tranquility through my healing hands in that way one fine day. Whenever I do actually get myself started on that journey I will be looking for volunteers to practice on so make sure you are available. I’ve been keeping myself mentally busy in other ways too. Crocheting blankets for my babies at work, playing Sudoku here and there, and playing Farm Town. All is well!

            Emotionally, I’m doing okay. I have still been seeing my therapist and working out my feelings and trying to heal my wounds. However, the wounds are still raw and sore. It’s hard, but I’m learning how to heal wounds which is an excellent lesson. No schooling I’ve had can do that for me and I will be a more excellent healer in my future. Who knows what kind of career that will help me fulfill but I know my psych, nursing, and massage therapy degrees will be benefited from my own life lessons I’m sure. It’s good to know that there is healing if we ask. Tears can bring that. Although, it may be unpleasant and painful at times, crying can be good for the soul. I had a moment the other day driving home from therapy. I was sad about some emotionally painful issues and I was weeping and then came the down pour of rain. I could only help but think that God was crying too. He knew what I was crying about and I felt he too was crying over the same thing. It was very spiritually connecting and refreshing.     

            Spiritually, I’ve had some really awesome connections. I really truly am blessed and sooooo thankful that my spirit is back. Those who see changes in me mostly attribute it to me being single but I, and some of you, know that is not the case. The reality is that I have found my soul again and I am trying to become a more whole, complete and authentic self.

I want to be ME and the best and most beautiful one I can be. I want to be the mother I know I can be and one day I will meet my precious children, but in God’s timing. I will one day be a solid and awesome wife for one amazing and lucky man. Most importantly though, I will be ME and I will never compromise that again. It is and will be a truly beautiful life. =)