Positively Pathetic?

When things aren’t going so hot, it seems it is easier to be negative. However, I’m hearing that’s not the natural way of life. That was the old me. I should try to make positivity more natural for myself. I’m trying and lately quite pathetically.

I could be thinking about such negative things at the moment, like how sick I’ve been lately, how lonely I’ve been and wanting to call someone I shouldn’t be calling, about how annoyed I’ve been watching people who can’t help themselves, and about such bad and unfortunate things that can happen in this life. I could be gossiping non-stop dragging other people into the energy drain of complaining and discussing such negative things in life. I have done some of these things but more importantly I’ve been a little self-destructive. I’ve been creeping back into my old ways of dealing with low emotions. Where did my drive to get really healthy go?? Where did that desire to find joy go??

It’s weird to be kinda wishing I was back where I was a few months ago, almost as if I forget how horrible I felt. Thinking that maybe when I was in such intense therapy I felt the most clarity, the most work was being done. I want that back?? I think the adrenaline was flowing like it flows after a bad car accident. You don’t realize how hurt you are until that wears off. I think it’s worn off and now I’m left with this sort of low achy feeling. I felt like it was flowing so much because there were big steps I needed to make and God knew I wouldn’t have been able to do such things without that boost, as to keep me from feeling the actual pain that such situations were causing. Now, I feel like I’ve lost my edge per se or the clarity I had about my life. I feel like I’ve lost myself a little again. How frustrating right? I’m not going to throw myself a pity party though. That never works.

I have to think about the positive. I am feeling better and I will continue to feel better. The healthiness that is in store for me is beyond imagination. I’m not going to should on myself about what has been happening or what could have made it better. I can start back again on my health train. I can have a healthy body and I can boost my immunity to sick emotions. I can find ways to resist bad urges of senselessness. I can find ways to make myself feel less lonely or to embrace it and take a chill pill in those moments of being alone with myself. I think I’ve lost the purpose of why I am living on my own. I need to be reminded to keep in good company and if that means the best is to be by myself then so be it. I will not settle for second best and I will not put myself around people that will not let things roll on down the road to recovery. I have to do this and I have to be strong because I love myself. I deserve more respect and less drama. I need to remember that I’m only responsible for my side of relationships. I can’t change other people. I have to be the best me I can be and just pray that others will be the best they can be. I need to learn not to judge and to learn to love those who don’t seem to be helping themselves. They are not my responsibility. I’m only responsible for myself.

Bad things are going to happen in life. That will never change. It’s not my duty to figure things out. It’s my duty to be me and to love. I do such a pathetic job of living my life if I forget to focus on this. Love is a verb. Loving yourself can take as much work as loving others. I want to get to the point where it doesn’t feel as strenuous and overworked. That was what this year is about right? Learning to love me and to do it with ease, so I can move on to sharing love with someone else. Someday that love I have will overflow into the hearts of my husband and children. It’s OK to be 26 and not to have that love overflowing yet. I can’t be rushed. Life isn’t about destinations, it's about the journey. The journey should be filled with joy in purposeful living. Joy in love. Delighting in the One that is love. Life can be positively pure joy if we can learn to stop being so pathetically attached to negativity. Living positively today is what I need to be doing and doing it the best I can. No one can ask for more. If that is done, you can’t be pathetic only pleased.