Emmanuel, God With Us

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34

I’m sitting here in the Treehouse Coffee Shop dwelling on the sad news I received today. The house in Magnolia that my mother and grandmother grew up in, the house I dreamed of owning in the near future, is being torn down due to environmental reasons. I cried. I felt like I just got news that a family member is going to die. I felt very lost today.

My little girl fantasizing tendencies had gotten a hold of me again. I was dreaming big and praying lots. I forgot that my dreams aren’t always the reality that God wants me to have, they actually can become nightmares. Needless to say, I got an answered prayer today. Not the word I wanted to hear, but I got an answer and I’m trying to be grateful.

In this process of trying to trust God with a big decision in life, I keep coming back to the question , “Now what?” I want to be calmly awaiting this BIG thing God is birthing through me come February. I guess around the month of May I became impregnated with the realization that life was most likely going to change very drastically in nine months. Its seven months now and I still have no idea what kind of thing is going to be birthed.

I feel much like Mary as portrayed in the song Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant. I’m traveling through this cold and dreary month of December. I’m tired, exhausted and frightened that God is asking me to bear this load, to walk this path. I’m calling out for God to be with me now as I wait, as I pray silently in my heart. I know not the words to say to God, I know I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me sometimes. I’m asking to hold me together because I feel like I’m going to fall apart. I’m asking for direction, for light in this darkness of suffering.

Through this suffering, after hearing iTunes play that song, comes the song I’ll Stand By You in response. I think God may be trying to speak through the lyrics. I think Jesus is reminding me to come to him and talk. He’s telling me its okay to cry and it’s okay to be angry with suffering and its okay to be myself and to confess anything. Nothing I could say will make him love me any less. He wants to be with me in my darkest hours, and he will see me through ‘cause Jesus has seen that dark side too. He promises he won’t desert me and won’t let me be harmed.

I start to really feel comfort in this song, in these words. Then, I open up a book, besides the Bible, that has really helped me through this year. I open up to today’s reading and the title makes my heart pound, “Good Things Coming.” I read it. I’m encouraged that what I seek will come, it will find me. I’m not to worry or try to control this. I need to keep praying “Jesus Save Me”. I need to surrender daily, every minute if I have to. I have to trust. This is the true test, right? I’ve already living in anxiety so many times in life trying to make things happen in life. I’m told the plan is already in place. Honestly, where I’m supposed to live already DOES exist. I just can not see it. It is truth. I have to trust I have to be peaceful. I’ve joked that I want baby Jesus to bring me my new address under my Christmas tree. But frankly, I need to live with faith like a child that this is how simply it will be brought to me. It will be a gift. If I can’t be lead to it with ease, it will find me. As God is already in tomorrow, he is already in the place I will call home. He is there preparing things for me and Wallie. God truly is my Emmanuel, he is with me, he is God with us.

Today, and everyday, God please remind me that this all will be settled in the right time. You will not leave me. You will give me what I need. Be my breath of heaven as I bear this load of suffering and decision making. Stand by me and bring me your Prince of Peace. I promise I will try to wait patiently. Forgive me for trying to have control and forgive me for wasting my energy on worry. Be my Emmanuel. Amen.

Contentment

"May it be to me as you have said”- Luke 1:38

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:7

“O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer He will surely be gracious

to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left.”-Isaiah 30:19-21

I used to be so negative and ungrateful for everything. I would complain all the time and mostly because nothing lived up to my expectations, my beyond ridiculous expectations. Then, I was told not to have expectations. I didn’t know how to do this. I would often try to let myself down before someone did it for me. I would start to expect the worst and hope for the best. Living forever in the future or dwelling on the past. This leads to constant discontentment.

I would say “When I just get done these finals I’ll be happy” “When I just find a job I’ll be happy” “When I just get through this week I’ll be happy” “When I get married I’ll be happy”. Always just wanting to be settled, I never realized that there is always something to work on, pray for, struggle through and that through it all you have to CHOOSE to be happy. You can’t live life having fairly tale expectations of how “happy” you’ll be when you get what you want. This world will always let you down.

Sometimes things happen to you in life that can really slap you in the face and make you wake up from your daydreaming of happily ever after. Should I blame my parents for letting me watch endless amounts of Disney movies where princesses are guaranteed their prince? How did I get so disillusioned that there would be this certain point in my life that I would find contentment?

I have been fighting this hope of finally being settled as I’m looking for a new place to put up my feet. I said to myself a few months back about how February opens me up to a lot of freedom, I become free of some heavy obligations (car payment, job contract, apartment lease). Following that thought with the next: Something BIG is gonna happen in February. Although I’m not sure of what that is, it has something to do with my living situation, as I have not renewed my lease to my apartment, and February is quickly approaching. I’m finding myself fighting the anxiety, trying to remind myself that God has a plan. It’s hard to stay at peace when I don’t know where I’ll be living in short while.

It’s crazy how God has been showing me comfort in this. I was talking to a friend the other night and she said she thought of me during a Sunday sermon about Mary. Sometimes when we are anxious/afraid of events that are coming, it often means God has something BIG planned. Those hard feelings are like birth pains as God is birthing something new into your life. Again, here is confirmation that something BIG is happening in February and realization that this is why my anxiety exists, the Braxton-Hicks have begun. This gives me comfort in knowing that I do have really great friends who are lovingly aware and attentive to my life and are there to be used by God to comfort me as I go through major changes these years. They are there to be my labor coaches, knowing in the end something beautiful and worth waiting for will come. And then cell last night we continued on this topic, when faced with hard news to hear (you are going to have a baby, not just any baby, but the son of God) Mary said, “May it be to me as you have said.” There is no better word to express her words but contentment.

Last night at my cell group, I felt so forgiving of myself and the rest of the world. Blame should not be placed on Disney or anyone else but I should find comfort in others who have struggled with our humanness. We all seek contentment, so-called happily ever after. Life is always changing and there will always be movement and growth and in ALL THAT we need to find peace. Being grateful and positive for every moment of our lives is where we can find contentment. We need to be crawling up inside the word and being happy in the present, in the silence.

I felt at home knowing so many of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ have their frantic moments of self dialogue trying to find discernment and direction. I’ve been struggling with the balance of being over-anxious about decisions or making the process over-spiritualized. It was great to hear stories of others trying too hard to have this miraculous answer/sign from God and in the end only finding silence. The silence is God’s answer. He is there. He wants you to stop. Let go. Be present. Look up at the silent stars and listen to the night, knowing that it’s not endless and morning will come. Be present in the waiting. Find God there, find the blanket of contentment.

Thirsting for Living Water

“Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” –John 4:13, 14

If you want to join me in reflection, Taizé style, light some candles, turn off the lights and listen to these voices; meditate on these words:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGSWP26SakU&feature=related

By night we hasten in darkness
To search for the living water
Only our thirst leads us onwards,
Only our thirst leads us onwards.

De noche iremos, de noche,
Que para encontrar la fuente.
Solo la sed nos a lumbra,
Solo la sed nos a lumbra.

I’ve been dehydrated many times before. The worse kinds of dehydration are the days after night shift or a heavy night of drinking. The nauseating feeling coming from sluggish and toxic water-deprived blood sliding through your vessels trying to provide your body, especially your brain, with oxygen is a very awful feeling. It’s often easy to fix physical dehydration but I’ve been realizing how hard it is to fulfill this thirsty soul of mine.

My soul is feeling a little more than dehydrated; it feels almost empty. Now, at first glance, this may seem so destitute and awful. At times, it has been that bad. Yet this is actually a good thing. Just like you have to feed your pets’ food appropriate for them, your car needs to be filled with gas and oil and your soul needs to be filled with soul food. (I don’t mean the food of African American culture.)

I haven’t been feeding my soul what it needs. My impulsivities have been overwhelming my search for true nutrients. I have been trying to fill the emptiness with male affection and things money can buy, all of which haven’t been working. I am still coming from a place of years of malnourishment and craving cautiousness and thoughtful direction in my life. I don’t want to be a selfish little Veruca Salt anymore.

Now, that I have found fellowship with the body of Christ again, that which I had been avoiding for those drought-filled years, I am really thirsting for this living water. Thankfully, I am empty and can be filled to the brim and overflowing with it. But I have not yet approached this river of life. So by night I hasten the darkness in search of living water and only my thirst leads me onward. Come join me!

God, lead me to your living water. Let me not be anxious as I travel. Give me patience and peace. Fill my cup.

This Little Mustard Seed of Mine, I’m Gonna Let It Grow

"You didn't have enough faith," Jesus told them. "I assure you, if you had faith as small as a mustard seed you could say to this mountain, 'move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."- Matthew 17:20, 21

“If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” –Matthew 21:22

This time last year I began mourning the loss of my paternal grandmother. Although we didn’t have the closest relationship as I was growing up, I felt deep sadness to not have her living among us anymore. I was more emotional than I ever thought I would be, hysterically sobbing driving unsafely to the nursing home where her lifeless body lay trying to see through my tears and the pouring rain outside. It was definitely a sign of the mourning that was to come in January.

It was as if her passing gave me the excuse to cry my eyes out and was preparing me for a much harder loss, the loss of my life as I knew it. The life I was living was not the one I was meant to be living, God knew it, and I refused to listen. What I thought would make me happy, hearing wedding bells, was making me miserable. I can’t even begin to imagine the hurt I put my Heavenly Father through as I rebelled.

I lived like the prodigal son and was scared of where I found myself. I found myself frightened and alone balling my eyes out in a strange room with strange people. I put all my heart and soul into the wrong people. As much as I love my family and, at the time, loved my fiancé, I had it all wrong. I was neglecting my soul and was building my “home” on shifting sand. I was sinking in horrible depression and panic, clawing and scrapping at the sides of my inner life, as every foothold gave way.

The only way to ground zero was to abandon everything, leaving me on a cold hard cement surface face first. What I didn’t realize was that this solid ground was exactly what I needed. God was working hard-core now because for the first time in a long time I was letting him breathe life into me. My life, my true life, was being resuscitated. I was finally letting God plant me in good soil and that meant returning home to him. It has been scary and uncomfortable as I’m faced with what I lack, but when I seek truth I find it. The truth is God loves me no matter what. I may have faith of a mustard seed but I know that is all I need.

My seed of faith has found sure ground next to a river of life, a river filled with tears of suffering and joy spilled by the body of Christ over many, many years. This water is nourishing and cleansing me. There is hope because I know this seed will grow. What better season to focus on this hope; hope in a small faith that can move mountains. Hope in such a small child that came thousands of years ago to bring joy and peace in the midst of our suffering. ‘Tis the season to welcome joy and peace as we are vulnerable and intimate with our closest friends and family. Let us remember our losses, how those tears have cleansed, how that emptiness allows us to be filled back up, and how our sorrow can be comforted. Even if we are left with only a small ray of hope, or a small seed of faith, remember to believe in the promise that it is enough. God’s love is enough!

Weighed Down

“Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us.” –Hebrews 12:1

It becomes clear to me when I don’t stay in the place where God dwells. My spirit feels significantly weighed down. When I’m weighed down, I feel tired and easy prey to sin. My vices aren’t hard to resist. I give in to them making me more weighed down, not just emotionally and spiritually, but literally weighed down physically.

Before this year, I was not at all willing to bring my burdens to God naked and vulnerable. Funny how we are afraid to be ourselves before God, right? Who are we trying to fool? Being vulnerable, not only to God but to humans, is scary. We don’t want to be harmed. We want to be safe and free when we come before God as spiritual lepers full of sores and scars from our own self-destructive behaviors, reeking from our infectious sins, and incomplete from losing parts of ourselves along this seemingly lonely journey.

So recently I’ve been very un-free from my vices. I’ve been weighed down by all of them. My body feels so much heavier in so many ways. The junk I put into my heart, soul and body has been making me feel like I’m in prison. I have no one to blame but myself. Then I feel like I’m sitting in a cold, dark and damp cell with no one as a cell mate. I forget that Jesus was actually my cell mate and already served my sentence for me. As I live with huge sandbags filled with guilt, self-hatred and worldly desires on my shoulders, trying to run away from God, I quickly become exhausted.

Last week, God began leading me closer to the place of true vulnerability and peaceful realization. I have been reminded of two stories: the Temptation of Jesus in Matthew 4 and You are Special by Max Lucado. Jesus’ story has reminded me that we will be tested in this life but if we prepare ourselves for these tests by letting God fill us up with love we will be able to pass the tests with flying colors. Jesus was ready for the temptation in the desert because He was so connected to his father from many days and nights of fasting. I find it hard to stay connected to God daily and feel truly satisfied with being in the contact with the God of love. I often feel the desire for human contact and love, but during those times is when I need to be extremely discerning. We have to search for this true love in God. For the human contact, we may not get what our insatiable human body wants but we will get what we need in a wholesome way if we just ask God to fulfill that desire. During this time of testing Jesus had such trust in God, he didn’t have to contemplate whether or not he should try to prove God’s faithfulness to anyone by jumping off the temple top. He knew without a doubt that God would, as a quote I read once, either give him a safe place to land or wings to fly. I definitely don’t trust God to give me a safe foundation to land on or even the wings should I need to fly. I don’t trust that he will give me what I want or what I need. It is truly sad. My soul needs to confess and shed its heavy wings so that it can fly.

Max’s story has reminded me that the only opinion that matters is Gods, not even my own. That I need to be returning to God daily, trading off my clothes soaked with water and pockets filled with filthy sand for fresh, breathable linens of love and grace. Also, I’ve been learning that I have to start befriending my body and soul. I have to start seeing myself how God sees me and not this weighed down and weary being. And if I don’t feel like I’m anywhere close to the picture God has of me, then maybe I have to ask for forgiveness and start taking action on becoming more like a noble Proverbs 31 woman. I have to become a woman who tries to clothe herself in dignity and wisdom, who laughs at her silly mistakes instead of feeling guilt and despair. I want to become a woman who relies on God’s strength as I work hard at nurturing a fruitful and successful soul while being hospitable and gracious to others. I pray through exercising my faith and prayer life that I can be humble if my character is praised by my family and friends because of the beauty they see from a woman covered in God’s love and grace due to obedience and trust.

Thankful for Candles

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me.” –Psalm 13:5,6

I’ve been putting together a wish list for my mother, pictures included so she knows exactly what I’m looking for. I do this every year around this time to give her ideas of what she could get me for Christmas. As I’ve gotten older and more mature, I’ve realized that Christmas isn’t about gifts but I’ve become fond of giving. Therefore, I want my mom to still have the opportunity to give. ;)

I also like the opportunity to give and am really struggling to hold back from spending beyond my means to fulfill that desire. Yet while I’m out shopping for others I often window shop for myself. Then I come home and try to put away the gifts, cleaning closets to make room. I was cleaning today and was in the kitchen and routinely flipped over the page of my daily calendar. Today, it was referring to the passage in the Bible when Jesus fed 5,000 people and my mind started rolling.

After the short verse on my calendar, it read “there is a principle here that bears repeating. Jesus GAVE THANKS for what He had and God multiplied it to what He needed.” My sin-tainted mind quickly thought of what things I “needed” for Christmas and gave thanks for tea bags (I was in the kitchen) and candles. Obviously not things that are a necessity really but things I enjoy and bring much needed peacefulness to my soul and thought “hey if I give thanks the tea bags and candles I have now will multiply.” As I continued to clean out my closets and prepare for the quickly approaching holidays I realized I had quite a few fall-ish smelling candles lying around, more than I thought I had. I felt like God already multiplied my thanksgiving of my candles. I said another thanks and continued to meditate on that miracle of Jesus and the disciples feeding 5,000 and hungered for the deeper principle that God was trying to feed me.

As I sit and browse through the disciples accounts of this miracle, I obviously find some difference in their recollections of the events but I find repeated things that when consolidated really expand my souls yearning for giving of thanks.

First, this event followed Jesus finding out the news of his dear friend John the Baptist’s death. He was dealing with loss at this time and withdrew to a quiet place for peace, rest and reflection. As he did this, crowds swarmed around him and his disciples making life pretty chaotic and busy. Isn’t it strange that sometimes when there are sad moments of the soul, life seems to get a little crazier causing added stress making it harder to find peace? Much like the Christmas season huh? Sometimes the holidays can be a sad time for people because of loss and loneliness in life yet through it we have to be merry and seemingly feed thousands of people cookies and all kinds of holiday treats.

Yet even through this time of craziness and perhaps some sadness Jesus and the disciples still kept plugging along with miracles, teaching and healing. The gospels tell us that Jesus felt compassion for the crowds, people who were hurt, lost, and in need of healing and guidance, and continued to respond. It reminds me that through my hurt and consumption of my problems sometimes, I have to remind myself to not be selfish and continue to give to people. Life still rolls on and people around me will still have emptiness and needs that will require fulfilling.

One of the needs that arose during the disciples teaching was not just filling people minds and hearts with good news but these people had to fill their tummies with good food. The question of who would respond to this need arose and Jesus knew just how to respond even though the disciples didn’t know how in the world they would fulfill this enormous need. I was reminded that when we ask God or others to respond to our needs sometimes we get answers and help but sometimes we don’t. And even still sometimes I get annoyed when I’m asked to supply my own needs.

Jesus responded in this way to the situation. When the disciples asked how in the world they would have the resources, Jesus showed them they had the resources at their finger tips. Of course 5 small loaves of bread and two fish seemed like not enough at all. Isn’t that just like how we feel sometimes about our own strengths and God-given gifts? We seem to always want more. I think we have to be reminded that all we need will be provided even when things seem unending, impossible, dark and hopeless.

The next step was to divide the crowds into smaller groups. Why this was done I’m not really sure but I can think of some ideas. Maybe it was to get a better picture/way of seeing how many people they had to feed? Maybe it was a psychological trick to make the disciples feel like 100 groups was a smaller number than 5,000 people? Maybe it was just to divide people into fun fellowship groups as they dined? Either way I see this repeated factor as a way to show that sometimes when we are faced with a need, we need to plan and regroup and get a really good look at our resources and how big the need really is. It’s also a time of prayer and discernment or just a short moment to catch our breath.

Then, the loaves and fish were brought to Jesus. He broke them and GAVE THANKS. Just like that 5,000 people were fed all from 7 pieces of food!!! What a response huh? All Jesus had to do was GIVE THANKS to God for the small amount of resources they had and WHAM…God honored that heart of thanksgiving. He made their supply drastically multiply. Not only did he provide he made the loaves and fish feast overflow. It was like a buffet. Not only did this crowd have a small piece of bread or a morsel of fish. These accounts in scripture echo the fact that these people had as much as they wanted to satisfy them. And then after what I picture as everyone’s guts overflowing with bread and fish, the disciples gathered the broken pieces of leftovers and still could fill 12 baskets full of scraps!

This reminds me of how awesome it is to give thanks. God totally deserves it with every breath we take. And when we take time to really give thanks with our hearts, how fabulous do you feel? Fantastic, huh? And then if we really do have a response of pure thanksgiving in our soul, God responses back with more and more blessings. Amazing right?

One more thing to point out about this story is that Jesus wanted the broken pieces and leftovers to be saved. Nothing was to go to waste. What they did with the leftovers I’m not sure but reminds me of our brokenness and how often we waste our gifts. We are broken people and are often clueless little lost sheep. Even still God loves us and wants all of us, even the yucky, soggy, smelly and ugly parts of us. In everything we have and do, he wants us to praise him too. He wants us to use dark times, weird talents, skeletons in the closets to tell our story. He wants our stories and our lives to shine through the darkness. He wants our light, his bright flame in our soul, to make others thankful for their candles too!

Whose Life Is It Anyway?

"For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.”

–Matthew 16:25

“Try to picture the man to always have an open hand See him as a giving tree… Live high, live mighty Live righteously taking it easy Singin’ oh, just take it easy and celebrate the malleable reality You see nothing is ever as it seems, yea this life is but a dream.”

–Jason Mraz

Last night at PM it got me to thinking about how much God gives us. We are quickly approaching the Christmas season which is a perfect time to be pondering giving and receiving. I think what struck me most about the words spoken last night was that I have to be open to receive the gifts God gives. What troubles me is that I don’t think I effectively free myself to receive all the good that God has to give me. I hold on too tight to my life and what I think will give me pleasure when God has much better things in store. For example, past relationships. I continue to hold on to what might have been instead of giving it up and moving on, clearing the love receptors for higher and more fulfilling and respectful love.

Is it wrong to feel scared and anxious about the blessings I’m promised to receive if I live high, live mighty, and live righteously? I feel like I would be so overwhelmed with emotions like some really deserving person walking into a room filled with close souls ready to pour out love and gifts to celebrate how special that person is to them. I might just die. I’m still really struggling with giving my life to God, to losing myself and gaining him and in return really finding myself. Henri Nouwen puts it into words best:

“It is a place where I so much want to be, but am so fearful of being. It is the place where I will receive all I desire, all that I ever hoped for, all that I will ever need, but it is also the place where I have to let go of all I most want to hold on to. It is a place that confronts me with the fact that truly accepting love, forgiveness, and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving, and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and complete trust.”

I’ve been trying to carve my hopes and dreams into stone, into my stone cold heart. I’ve been trying to let God know what my plans are or what I think he should do. I don’t really think God needs suggestions or a wish list to know what I might like to happen with my future. I’m pretty sure he knows me better than I do. I like the sign I saw the other day, as pictured on this blog. I should definitely be writing in pencil and letting God erase as much as he wants. I’m just scared of letting go and trusting because my human mind still can not grasp the concept of agape love. That is my prayer for the rest of my life to ponder whose life I am truly living.

God, help me as I become vulnerable and honest with myself and you. Help me free myself of guilt, insecurity, destructive behavior, distrust, anger and impatience. I want to be free to receive your healing, guidance, acceptance, forgiveness, peace and unfailing love. I’m scared to approach your throne and return as a prodigal daughter. Be near and comfort me as I shake with fright and nakedness. Help me to be drawn to your warmth and light.

Always Be My Home

“We are congenitally overcharged and overbuilt for this earth, infinite spirits living in a finite situation.” – Ronald Rolheiser

I have been meditating a lot on this idea of home. I have felt uneasy and vulnerable thinking that I am not really sheltered by this world. I have felt alone and cold in a stormy place. I have felt that I didn’t really have a home anymore. We are beings made for another world and I often feel this tension.

Instead of communicating this to God, I tend to complain about it and do little work to make myself more comfortable. When I neglect my prayer life, I am being destructive and allowing my life to be chaotic. It’s like building a house without a contractor and his blueprints. A house can be built but it most likely won’t be very cozy or it might not even be sturdy enough to weather the storms. So then it seems quite silly to not communicate with the One that has the best plan for my life.

So when it gets stormy I become frantic trying to seek adequate shelter. That’s silly too. I should be prepared. Homes are usually built when the weather is good. So why do I often want to try to scramble to get all my spiritual work done on hard and rainy days? I should be building my faith on sunny happy days when I have the most energy and the best conditions.

Also, I was feeling the strain of trying to put God in a box into a literal home with me. I wanted God to be in my home and I was feeling like there wasn’t an adequate place for this building. However, I was reassured that God can reside in my heart and I can take Him with me wherever I go. So now I’m trying to build a more suitable home in my heart. I know that Christ lives there but I have to practice my faith more so that it can be a more peaceful and rested heart and home that God deserves to live in. But what a relief! I don’t feel so lonely anymore. The sunny days seem brighter and on the cold days I have God’s love to wrap around me and keep me warm. My spirit is finally starting to feel functional in this crazy world because my home is never too far away.

Battle for Truth

I was reminded today that we are in a constant battle with Satan. He wants us. And on our bad days sometimes it’s really easy for him to sweep us up off our feet as a disguised knight in shining armor. I need to be prepared for battle, constantly doing soul strength training. My friend reminded me that this training is most important on our good days. It’s often in our sunshiny days we think everything is going well and we don’t need to keep plugging along at self-enhancement. These are the days to bask and rest in the sunshine, for sure, but I should be soaking up as much spiritual energy as I can. The stormy rainy days will come where battles must be fought and if I’m letting myself waste away on happy days I will definitely not have enough resources to make it through the tough times. So when the unexpected or unknown is of a not-so-pleasant nature, I don’t have to sit and wallow in it. That is EXACTLY what Satan would want me to do. Instead, I will hopefully have saved up enough sunshine to lead me through the dark.

I must admit I’ve been having some very dark days. Even the sunshiny ones aren’t as bright as they could be. I often lose my battles because I have realized I’ve been deciding to fight them on my own. I have been discouraged and often angry. But I have no one to be mad at by myself. I’m mad that I believe in lies. I spend so much time churning my brain juices over these lies instead of the truth.

The truth is I’m not alone. The truth is I can’t fight my battles alone. The truth is that God loves me and is the one who will go into battle with me. The truth is I’m afraid of my future but I don’t have to be. The truth is I keep sabotaging my own progress because I’m scared and believe in lies. Satan loves that I react to the lies. Because of lies I react to the future with fear instead of excitement. The truth is life is exciting and God always has the best in store. So today I want to become more serious about my spiritual training, good days or bad, there are tiny battles to be fought and the old way of going it alone is not working. God, be with me as I learn to lean on your strength and truth. Satan, BRING IT ON!

Home Sweet Home

”Home is …where you can receive what you desire. You need human hands to hold you there so you don’t run away again. But when you come home and stay home, you will find the love that will bring rest to your heart.” – Henri Nouwen

I’m on my way home. Although, I’m not quite sure what that means. Obviously, the ultimate home is not of this world and we are all on that journey through life. However, I’m still in search of that temporary earthly home. I don’t know where I will find it, who will be there to keep me from running away, how to get there, when I will see it in the horizon or what that home even looks like.

It’s as though five years of my life I have been VERY far from home. I was never quite home anyways. But for five years I wandered in the total opposite direction of home, thinking I would find it in the distance. The false encouragement I got along the way propelled me onward until the tiny voice inside shook me into my senses.

I’ve always thought I was someone who had a good sense of direction but I’m not so sure I do after all. I feel like I walked so far into a dangerous forest without any desire to turn back around that I didn’t leave a trail of bread crumbs behind. However, now I MUST turn back and don’t know how to get out.

Maybe the trail of bread crumbs would have been eaten anyway. Or maybe that isn’t the same path I should be heading back on, too much history and too much familiarity to draw me back into the forest. I must find a new way and trust that I will be provided with the resources I need to get out of this forest and back on my journey home.

Where do I even start? How do I get back on the right path? Who is waiting for me at this place called home? What do I do now? When will I not be so afraid and frustrated with myself? I just want to click my heels and just get there.

Unfortunately, good things do not come easy. I know this. It’s really hard. It’s full of surrender and trust. It requires letting go and letting the control lie with God. When will I ever be ready? Why do I keep fighting? I want to be home so bad but something is holding me back from making the progress I need to be making. I want to be free. I don’t want to be restless. I want to be comforted. I don’t want to be frightened. I want to feel the fullness of love. I don’t want to be joyless. Maybe I’m not ready for everything. God knows what I am ready for. I just pray I keep walking and when I stumble I get up fast. I need to keep remembering that home is where I’m heading. I want to find true encouragement as I meander back home. Can’t wait to snuggle next to the warmth of love, sip its sweet fulfillment, and lay my head down in true rest and safety. Can you tell me how to get, how to get to….HOME…Sweet home!

Just Call Me Nikita

“There is only one problem on which my existence, my peace and happiness depend: to discover myself in discovering God. If I find Him I will find myself and if I find my true self I will find Him.” -Thomas Merton

I’m learning that I need to set boundaries. I need to protect myself, from others and my own self-destructive ways. I have a tendency to lose control. I become unstable, erratic, impulsive and somewhat evil. For someone who desires respect, I don’t give it to others or myself. That is very troubling to me.

I’ve been feeling very angry and I’m not sure where this anger comes from. I’m not sure why it even exists so deep within me. But it wells up and comes out. I want it to be gone. I want the source to disappear. I know we are all selfish at times. But when this anger comes out I mostly take it out on myself to avoid hurting other people by it. Yes, I admit I say and do things to hurt others. Who doesn’t? I feel bad about my actions and words at those moments, but I can’t take them back. I can only learn from my mistakes and move on. I can’t carry guilt around with me and I can’t let others emotions get to me. I need protection from all of this and I’ve been wondering how to achieve that.

I have realized that despite the fact that I thought I was good about setting boundaries, I am in fact not. I tend to give and give to others and not myself. The little bit I do give to myself becomes negated when I throw enormous amounts of self-violence my own way. So how do you set boundaries with people? How do you protect yourself from others emotions and needs? How do you provide and respond in meaningful and non-draining ways to others? Most importantly, how do I protect myself from self-destruction?

I need an outlet for this aggression as I try to figure out its source. Keeping it hidden until I explode is obviously not working. I realize it may take a while for the source to be revealed because I may not be able to handle the truth. As I work at this self-discovery, I’m not surprised to slowly find things out about myself but this one has been hard to swallow. I want to be peaceful, healthy and loving and anger and self-destruction is the total opposite. This process has been frustrating for sure but when the storms come and my boat gets rocked I have to remember that Jesus is in the boat with me. When I fail myself, I have to return to that solid place in God’s love grace and forgiveness.

I have been reminded to be patient, with myself and God. Things will be revealed in time. Freedom will come. My desires will be fulfilled if I just keep plugging along even though I might stumble as I go. This is not easy stuff to clean up, a life filled with unhealthy behaviors and thoughts. And even when this cleaning is done, there will be daily upkeep. I need to be patient with my abilities as I exercise my faith muscles. I can’t do too much and I’m not asked to. One area at a time, one tool at a time, I can do this. I have to be positive and surround myself by positive energy and people to keep me motivated. I need to whistle while I work but keep the noise low as to not drown out the small still voice inside, the Spirit of God directing my hands.

My hands will one day wrap themselves around the neck of this Nikita persona of myself and she will die. The light (figuratively and physically) self will be revealed. The me that has been screaming for air inside this massive amount of disgusting fat and anger will finally be able to breathe. That day will be fabulous and it’s hard not to push myself to work harder and become exhausted. I need a bodyguard from this Nikita that both smoothers me and pushes to hard in evil and destructive ways. Who will help me? Who will be my bodyguard as I seek to find myself and in turn find God? Only God knows the next tool and resource but I can not fear that this need will not be met. God WILL provide me with my daily manna when I wake up. This will give me the energy to take the next step or to pick myself up off the ground amidst the rumble I am in at the moment. One day I will eat my manna in peace and happiness within safe boundaries as I breathe with my grateful free body and soul knowing more clearly who I am and who my awesome God is.

Seize the Days, One at a Time

“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” –John Lennon

My best friend gave me this good book for my birthday. I’ve started reading it and already I love it. One chapter is called “On Waiting.” Here is a quote from this chapter: “Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearls. And strung together, built upon one another, lined up through the days and the years, they make a life, a person.” – Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines

I’ve been pondering life’s course a lot lately. I’ve been feeling restless a lot this year and wondering what the next big moment or thing will be. I’ve also been getting caught up in chaotic emotions and thoughts trying to figure all of it out. As backwards as it may seem to me, God has a plan through all of this, all this pain I’ve been feeling, all the pain I’m avoiding feeling, God is using it to grow me up.

I keep wanting to find perspective and meaning on what is happening NOW. I want to figure it out, I want to understand why. It’s exhausting me and Satan knows it. He doesn’t even have to work hard lately to tempt me into sin, real bad ones too; ones that make me fall hard and leave me in so much pain I don’t know how to get back up. My weaknesses are clear and I’m looking too much at what I can become once I’m stronger that I’m forgetting to realize what I have become already this year and who I really am at this moment.

This is a journey and not a destination for sure. Life, for me, is about swimming upstream against the current, brushing past the many fish of the sea. I look at the fish I swim past and am filled with jealousy, lust and many ungodly thoughts. Just a tiny bit of theses horrible emotions gives Satan a foothold, then he hooks me into the decision to stop swimming. Recently, I realized how tired I have become of swimming so I have given up swimming for a while and I’ve just let the current take me away. At times, it is a very helpless and drowning feeling.

But I’m getting stronger each time I belly up in my own muck. Getting up is easier, my fins have time to rest and when I start moving it’s just like riding a bike again. Before I had this all or nothing mentality, and although I still have it at times, it’s slowly fading. Every moment is truly another chance to shine by making the right decision. I think a big part of seizing the next moment is realizing that failures will occur and that in them you need to forgive yourself. Just as Jesus forgave and didn’t hold grudges against all our horrible, disgraceful actions we too can forgive, not just others, but ourselves.

In forgiveness there is freedom, peace and joy. There is freedom and peace and joy inside when the choice to truly live is taken by listening to your true inner voice of love. Being spontaneous and taking your tiny mustard seed of faith and running with it one moment at a time. We tend to remember the fun and organic moments we have as a kid where we didn’t have responsibilities and worries. But why can’t it be like that now? Instead of constantly worrying about the stock market and bills, why not look at your money as God’s money? Let Him show you how to use it. Instead of spending so much time doing adult chores and adult things, why not spend some time out in the sunshine and grass? I recently went on a bike ride and a park trip with a great friend. I felt like a kid again and it felt AWESOME! I want to live my days with God blowing his wind in my face and through my hair, feeling the sunshine on my skin, smelling the fall air with increasing anticipation, tasting new and old favorites on my tongue and just simply BEING more. I want to exercise my long forgotten faith of a child and seize all those moments without panicked urgency. I want to BE calm in excitement and experience deep fulfilling-awe of how many moments God blesses me with throughout each and everyday; seizing those moments and those days as tiny little pearls to cherish for the rest of my amazing life.

Rearranging My Soul

“We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity.” – Joshua Loth Liebman

I love being reminded and reassured through my journey. I’ve been feeling frustrated that I’m still feeling pain from my wounds. I keep ripping off Band-aids and staring at my sources of pain wishing they were healed already. They aren’t raw but they aren’t scars yet and has left me wondering whether I’m missing out on some resourceful healing supplies.

My soul has felt cramped in this healing body. Though my insides are changing, I’ve never felt that my outside image matches my inside person. I haven’t completely found her either. I’m so cramped in this body that I can’t be the beautiful and amazingly healthy looking being God intended me to be. I feel tied down, twisted and tangled. I feel like I’m scrapping the walls of my muddy rut that I’m stuck in. I’ve been so frantically scrapping way that I’m finding it hard to quiet the anxiety and be still. I want out and I want out NOW. I can’t hear my soul, let alone God in all my busy flailing around.

I am made aware, even by unlikely sources, about how good a hand I’ve been dealt in my life. I am truly blessed and have support through many avenues. From my family and friends, to Henri Nouwen and Melody Beattie, I find words of encouragement and kinship. I find perspective and hope. I feel encouraged and assured that this is going to be a frightening and confusing stretch of the road. I’m trying to rearrange my soul and get rid of behaviors and beliefs that I find comfort and familiarity in.

I’m still holding on desperately to things I think will bring me peace but only leave me feeling more chaotic than ever. Just like I need to throw out my wholly charcoal gray long sleeved shirt that I wear during tough times, I need to stop clothing myself in scarlet sin to comfort when my soul feels insecure, vulnerable, lonely and needy. I need to get rid of seemingly good things to make room in my soul for GREAT things and TRUE change.

I’ve been encouraged by Henri to be close to my wounds, my abyss, but not too absorbed in the pain. He has encouraged me to cling to God’s promises; it’s the only thing I should be holding on to. Melody reminds me that I’m not alone on this journey, I maybe without a flashlight or a roadmap but God is with me and will provide me with those people to help lead me to true healing and change. I’m being flooded with hope in God’s promises to bring me from sorrow to serenity, from anguish to freedom. I’m excited to prepare myself to receive healing and more than enough joy and love that my heart overflows.

If you feel like you are rearranging the closet of your soul, join me in this prayer from Melody Beattie, “Today, God, help me believe that the changes I’m going through are for the good. Help me believe that the road I’m traveling will lead to a place of light, love and joy.” AMEN!

Standing Still?

In a society where we long for instant gratification, I am finding it hard to have patience. It has been 6 months since I’ve been living on my own and trying to “get myself together”. I was told today that I have been making progress but I don’t feel like there is much evidence for that. It’s really hard to have good perspective on life sometimes. I don’t find it easy to pretend like I’m on the outside looking in. I just kind of feel …like…I’m at a stand still.

I want so many good things I feel I deserve in my future, a healthy body and mind, a wonderful husband, delightful children and an amazing faith. A faith that can move mountains just like the one I’m climbing right now. I’m learning big lessons about self-control and patience, but gosh could I have picked any bigger things to struggle with?

Then I have Satan in disguise just hammering in on me, tempting me beyond belief. And God is letting me work out my faith and it hurts. It’s like my heart is hurting already about my losses and it hurts to be working so hard with a heart that is already injured. I guess I’m looking for the quick fix, the strong holding band-aid, the miracle cure or something along those lines. I just feel like all my work is just being sabotaged and I’m just tired of running on the treadmill of life. I want to be peacefully biking or strolling along in a happier place. I will run if I have to, but right now I feel like I’m doing so much strenuous work but it’s not showing for itself. Do I just think I’m working hard? Could I work harder?

I don’t know. Am I wrong? How do I gain perspective? I know I will only get better over time and I’ll always be changing and improving myself. I know I’ll always have struggles and need to look to God day to day, moment by moment. But right now I’m just longing to see the mountain top. I’m out of the valley but I’m just climbing and climbing. I feel like it’s a never-ending mountain. Do I have all the gear I need? Maybe I’m carrying too much? Anybody out there climbing too? Right now, I may just be dangling in my ropes awaiting my second wind. I need to recharge my batteries big time! Perhaps a vacation would help?

I want to reach a place of true rest and deep reflection. I know they say don’t look down but I kind of need to. I want a safe place to do that. Perhaps a quaint log cabin balcony? I could sit in a rocking chair in cool mountain air with long sleeves and a warm cup of tea or hot cocoa. I want to sit there for a long peaceful time watching the mountain fog clear a cloud at a time so I can slowly look down to the bottom of the mountain. I need to see how far I’ve climbed in these 6 months. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to see the bottom? Maybe I’ve climbed that far? Who knows? All I know is I’m sick of looking at the mountain top and wishing I was there. I want to be grateful for all the strength and resources God has given me along this trek. I want that true self deep inside me to jump for joy at the amazement of how far I’ve come. I guess that is my prayer. Pray God will reveal this to me. I need to hear it from my own voice or the voice of Jesus deep down inside my flesh. Please God, I need this!

Venn Diagram

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." -Matthew 5:3

I was reading old comments on my blog and realized how much I love that people read this. I realize that others go through similar struggles in life yet our generation is missing something. It's not like it used to be where the whole neighborhood had each others back and everyone had close knit friendships. I'd like to have my blog be one of those neighborhoods again. I'm willing to be vulnerable and let you all know what the skeletons in my closet are. I see it as a way to help us get through this life and not feel so alone in this sometimes cold, cyberspace, technology driven, lets-be-fake, selfish, and seclusive world.

I realize that God has a place circled on the map of life for me and everyone else. I pray everyday that I encompass that circle and continue to stay where God leads. Also, I want to be conscious of those who's God-drawn circle overlaps with mine. I want to see the blessings in that and really see what we have in common in the natural Venn diagram of life. I think I take it for granted too much and don't look at the map through God's eyes. I think there is a lot that God is trying to show us through interactions with people, strangers or not, that can be big lessons learned.

I have found that being open and honest about my struggles in life can be a real blessing, not only to others who struggle but to myself. I'm blessed to know how others are seeking God in their hard times and then being able to see the daily, moment to moment miracles God performs. I'm blessed through struggles to have the opportunity for God to empty me through my tears and fill me back up with hope.

To those who read, I pray that God continues to inspire you to practice resurrection in the dead areas of your life. I pray that you give to God your emotions and desires and see where he takes you. I hope you realize in your struggles that you are not alone. God is walking beside you and at times carrying you, but he never leaves you. NEVER! Yes, sometimes you may feel very strange and not yourself. You may feel like you are just floating through your day and just trying to hold on until things get better. It's at these weakest times that we are to recognize God's strength. That he is always the one who gets us through and not us. Be humbled by this! God takes things away from us so that we can be emptied and filled up again with more joy and peace. Jesus wants us to be free and full of his love, and sometimes we may not be able to get there if we hold on to things that aren't meant for us. Let's learn to let go! Thank you for visiting! You are welcome...anytime!

Watchful Intentionality

“You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.” –Luke 12:40

I have been struggling for years with many compulsive behaviors and never knew how destructive I was being. When you are compulsive, how can you really act intentionally? I’m really sick of hurting myself and others. It’s not fun! Instead of telling myself I need to think before I speak, I need to be telling myself to think before I act. Actually, I need to be praying before I act. I also need to be listening more and talking less, especially when it comes to my relationship with God.

All this work on being more intentional isn’t easy. I know you can promise yourself and others a million things. The hard part is actually acting on those promises. We are imperfect beings and therefore need to rely on God to help us every moment of every day. I’m learning this more and more and I’m really trying to live it in my life. It’s been a very humbling experience to realize how weak and fragile I am which is why I need God all the more!

It seems like when we start to have a grip on things that we struggle with it gets harder. Am I the only one that sees this? It’s as if God says “oh yea? You really think you can do this? How much are you trusting me and leaning on me? Let’s see!” Then, I realize how much more work I have left to do. I could feel overwhelmed, but I don’t. I think because I’m realizing that every day is a new start and I can wake up with the hope that I can be the best me I can be for that day.

Lately, I have been feeling relieved that I can wake up and start over. I have gotten myself into things and thought “gosh, if Jesus came back right now would I want to be caught doing this?” The answer was clearly NO! So I’ve been really watchful of what I’m doing and saying. I want it to be something worthwhile and pure. I wouldn’t want to be caught doing something of little value or something not wholesome. It’s been eye opening. Would I want to be caught in the movie theater watching some horrible movie like Bruno or lusting after men who are totally wrong for me or gossiping? What about being caught in certain states of mind? Would I want to be caught in fits of jealousy or consumed with ungratefulness? I want to be mindful about my actions and words. It’s hard but it makes me feel so much better about my life. I want God to be proud of me. I want to be acting in love towards God. I want to be showing him how grateful I am for every moment of my life by being intentional instead of compulsive.

Miracles do happen! It may seem silly and not a miracle to most, but I was praising God today for my miracle. I have been very compulsive about my shopping, especially when it comes to venturing into Target. I have gone to Target many of times and spent way too much every time. So today when I was contemplating buying a salad spinner to make my eating of salad a much more pleasurable experience I got a little nervous. I knew I would be tested in my venture to Target. I have probably NEVER walked out of Target with only what I went there for. I said a prayer as I drove there that God would help me stick to my intentions. If Jesus showed up, I wouldn’t want to be caught coming out of Target with loads and loads of crap. I went in and tried to go straight to the kitchen gadgets. I must say there were many distractions along the way but God was good. I came out of there with confidence and ONLY a salad spinner!

I had fun testing my faith in God and I hope I have many more chances to test it tomorrow!

Cast Your Anxiety With Me

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:7

I’m reminded today, and should be reminded everyday, how short and important life is. It should not be wasted with worry, pessimism, and other negative things. Every day there is the challenge to stay balanced. I once thought that balance was a destination. As with life, it isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey. It’s about growing everyday, every moment.

I struggle with balance and self-control. I am very undisciplined, but very hard on myself when I try to be disciplined and don’t do things completely right. I want to be humble, but have so much pride. I want to be funny and carefree, yet I’m often too serious and tangled in my ropes of insecurities. I long to be healthy in so many ways, yet I often choose unhealthy options due to the response of the flesh instead of chewing on the fruit of the Spirit.

Living life according to the Spirit is very hard, especially because Satan is always trying to devour us who live by the Spirit. He wants us to respond by the flesh and impulsivity because that’s his world and he wants us to “stimulate his economy.” I am writing this because Simon Peter encouraged me this morning that others are going through the same struggles as me throughout the world.

I guess that’s the whole idea of this blog. I want to share my struggles along the way. It’s an outlet for me to “talk” and get things out in a healthy way. I share in hopes that someone who reads this may be going through a similar situation and wants to know they are not alone. We are never alone if we have a relationship with God, but there needs to be fellowship and kinship and that is what I’m offering.

I want to give back in anyway I can. I was told once by someone who touched my life to always pay it forward. I’m trying to do that more and more in my life. I’m trying to talk less and listen more. I’m welcoming those who know me to kindly interrupt me and tell me to shut my trap because I’ve done enough talking. I’ve especially done enough talking to God, it’s about time I wised up and started to listen. Yet through all of my talking and taking in life, God still cares for me and wants me to lay it all on Him. He wants me to lay everything on Him, good and bad.

The bad being all my problems, the biggest one being my inability to handle stress and anxiety. I’m learning to control this so my life can be fuller and more carefree. I need to be whole again, the way God intended. And I need to be light and joyful and free, like I’m floating in the sky holding on to strings attached to strong, happy, helium balloons of God’s love and security.

Then, in the joy being able to lay all that on God too, in the form of sincere gratitude because that is what He deserves! He deserves all of us and every minute of our lives. I want to be obsessed and consumed with God, free of anxiety. Come with me and cast your ropes! Let God change them into strings of joy with happy balloons and we can float away together!

Beneath the Bodhi Tree

“For as long as we continue to cling to bad habits that may not be life-threatening but certainly aren’t life-enhancing, we only steal from our potential.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach

They say the first steps to recovery are acknowledging that there is a problem. Then, the usual step most of us take after that is all consuming worry as we try to frantically control the situation or issue in our lives. Often I have found in my own life that I don’t take these concerns to the One who actually does have control over these situation and issues. I try to go at fixing it myself with the limited knowledge I have of my life and the world around me.

When I really evaluate how I usually act during these moments, I am appalled by myself. I usually become stressed and then try to call everyone and their mother to help me figure things out. First of all, that burdens other people. Second, they usually have their own opinions and not-so-healthy ways of dealing with their own similar issues. Finally, they lack knowledge and lack ways to help. So why do I continue to follow this cycle of distress? I personally believe that it’s deeply rooted in my inability to fathom God’s love for me and his complete understanding of everything. I don’t trust, simply put, that he will take care of things.

Let’s evaluate this. Going to God with our problems never burdens him. Also, not only does he have his own opinion of the situation; he has the only opinion that matters. He is the only one with the complete understanding of the healthiest way to deal with our troubles. So why when we have this incredible resource at our fingertips do we not use it? Again, I think it’s because we underestimate his power and his love for us.

So as I continue on this road to finding love for myself and learning to fall in love with God, I have found clear problems or habits in my life that block me from reaching my full potential.

One big problem is my relationship with food. I have come to the conclusion that I’m addicted to it and need help in this area. Reluctantly, I have decided I need to go to Overeaters Anonymous. Hopefully I will get myself there this week. However, it’s been really hard acknowledging that I have a serious problem and not joking around about it. It really has affected my health badly. I believe not only does it affect my health but it affects most overweight Americans. I feel like people seek all kinds of drugs, doctors, and programs to help them become healthier to no avail because they aren’t seeing the bigger issue. We are stressed and we have learned through example in society to feed our emptiness with something. Food is usually the choice, that or we self-medicate in other ways. But think about the destruction you would cause to your vehicles if you put the most unhealthy oil or gas in its tank. It wouldn’t work properly and would probably not function at all. So instead of trying to lose weight, I need to focus on the extreme unhealthiness involved in bad nutrition. The solution is not within sight for me yet but I know with constant faith and hope in the power of prayer I can get through this, one moment at a time.

Another big problem is my impatience in my single state. I keep breaking my promise to myself on this journey through the year of love for myself. I give in to the temptations and desires in so many ways. I am often wishing for the affection of a man. I have fulfilled the desire more times than I would like to admit this year, especially because this was supposed to be a year free of physical and emotional encounters with men. I have not been kind to myself and to those I have engaged in interactions with. I’m not being fair to myself because I’m deepening my wounds left by unhealthy relationships. I’m just adding to the infection and hurt by continuing in my old ways of dealing with men. I’m not respecting myself as a daughter of God, and in turn a princess who should be treated like one. Also, I’m not being fair to the men I encounter. Whether they care or not I’m hurting them too. But most of all I’m hurting the one who will eventually be my soul mate. I truly believe God loves me and wants to give me the desires of my heart but in His timing and His ways. If I continue to engage in behaviors that are impulsive due to my desires to feel affection, I am giving into the temptation that Satan so easily places in my way. I will continue to hurt my future husband or more importantly our future relationship. So the only thing I have thought to work at the moment is to first pray and then to write to him. If I believe in God’s promises, I know this desire would not be denied of me. So why not believe that my husband exists somewhere? I should be faithful to him starting now. I’m not being naïve and thinking this is going to be easy. Satan is going to tempt me and God is going to allow it so I can exercise my faith in Him. Practice makes perfect and prayer brings promises.

Lastly, I just had this revelation about trees. I’m not quite sure what it means yet. I’ve been drawn to this one song on my Zen relaxation cd. The melody is enchanting and so I had to look up what a Bodhi tree looks like, hence the picture and title associated with this blog entry. Then, I glanced at my Simple Abundance book. On the cover is a tree. I usually write in the Treehouse Coffee Shop. Hmmmm… then I thought isn’t there another book with a tree on the cover? Yeah…the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Hmmm…I just bought a book by Rick Warren to lead me through the fruit of the Spirit. Fruit grows on trees usually. Hmmm… still not sure of what all this means but maybe I need to go sit underneath a Bodhi tree to find out for myself. I’m sure God would meet me there!