“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:7
“O people in
to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left.”-Isaiah 30:19-21
I used to be so negative and ungrateful for everything. I would complain all the time and mostly because nothing lived up to my expectations, my beyond ridiculous expectations. Then, I was told not to have expectations. I didn’t know how to do this. I would often try to let myself down before someone did it for me. I would start to expect the worst and hope for the best. Living forever in the future or dwelling on the past. This leads to constant discontentment.
I would say “When I just get done these finals I’ll be happy” “When I just find a job I’ll be happy” “When I just get through this week I’ll be happy” “When I get married I’ll be happy”. Always just wanting to be settled, I never realized that there is always something to work on, pray for, struggle through and that through it all you have to CHOOSE to be happy. You can’t live life having fairly tale expectations of how “happy” you’ll be when you get what you want. This world will always let you down.
Sometimes things happen to you in life that can really slap you in the face and make you wake up from your daydreaming of happily ever after. Should I blame my parents for letting me watch endless amounts of Disney movies where princesses are guaranteed their prince? How did I get so disillusioned that there would be this certain point in my life that I would find contentment?
I have been fighting this hope of finally being settled as I’m looking for a new place to put up my feet. I said to myself a few months back about how February opens me up to a lot of freedom, I become free of some heavy obligations (car payment, job contract, apartment lease). Following that thought with the next: Something BIG is gonna happen in February. Although I’m not sure of what that is, it has something to do with my living situation, as I have not renewed my lease to my apartment, and February is quickly approaching. I’m finding myself fighting the anxiety, trying to remind myself that God has a plan. It’s hard to stay at peace when I don’t know where I’ll be living in short while.
It’s crazy how God has been showing me comfort in this. I was talking to a friend the other night and she said she thought of me during a Sunday sermon about Mary. Sometimes when we are anxious/afraid of events that are coming, it often means God has something BIG planned. Those hard feelings are like birth pains as God is birthing something new into your life. Again, here is confirmation that something BIG is happening in February and realization that this is why my anxiety exists, the Braxton-Hicks have begun. This gives me comfort in knowing that I do have really great friends who are lovingly aware and attentive to my life and are there to be used by God to comfort me as I go through major changes these years. They are there to be my labor coaches, knowing in the end something beautiful and worth waiting for will come. And then cell last night we continued on this topic, when faced with hard news to hear (you are going to have a baby, not just any baby, but the son of God) Mary said, “May it be to me as you have said.” There is no better word to express her words but contentment.
Last night at my cell group, I felt so forgiving of myself and the rest of the world. Blame should not be placed on Disney or anyone else but I should find comfort in others who have struggled with our humanness. We all seek contentment, so-called happily ever after. Life is always changing and there will always be movement and growth and in ALL THAT we need to find peace. Being grateful and positive for every moment of our lives is where we can find contentment. We need to be crawling up inside the word and being happy in the present, in the silence.
I felt at home knowing so many of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ have their frantic moments of self dialogue trying to find discernment and direction. I’ve been struggling with the balance of being over-anxious about decisions or making the process over-spiritualized. It was great to hear stories of others trying too hard to have this miraculous answer/sign from God and in the end only finding silence. The silence is God’s answer. He is there. He wants you to stop. Let go. Be present. Look up at the silent stars and listen to the night, knowing that it’s not endless and morning will come. Be present in the waiting. Find God there, find the blanket of contentment.
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