Emmanuel, God With Us

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34

I’m sitting here in the Treehouse Coffee Shop dwelling on the sad news I received today. The house in Magnolia that my mother and grandmother grew up in, the house I dreamed of owning in the near future, is being torn down due to environmental reasons. I cried. I felt like I just got news that a family member is going to die. I felt very lost today.

My little girl fantasizing tendencies had gotten a hold of me again. I was dreaming big and praying lots. I forgot that my dreams aren’t always the reality that God wants me to have, they actually can become nightmares. Needless to say, I got an answered prayer today. Not the word I wanted to hear, but I got an answer and I’m trying to be grateful.

In this process of trying to trust God with a big decision in life, I keep coming back to the question , “Now what?” I want to be calmly awaiting this BIG thing God is birthing through me come February. I guess around the month of May I became impregnated with the realization that life was most likely going to change very drastically in nine months. Its seven months now and I still have no idea what kind of thing is going to be birthed.

I feel much like Mary as portrayed in the song Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant. I’m traveling through this cold and dreary month of December. I’m tired, exhausted and frightened that God is asking me to bear this load, to walk this path. I’m calling out for God to be with me now as I wait, as I pray silently in my heart. I know not the words to say to God, I know I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me sometimes. I’m asking to hold me together because I feel like I’m going to fall apart. I’m asking for direction, for light in this darkness of suffering.

Through this suffering, after hearing iTunes play that song, comes the song I’ll Stand By You in response. I think God may be trying to speak through the lyrics. I think Jesus is reminding me to come to him and talk. He’s telling me its okay to cry and it’s okay to be angry with suffering and its okay to be myself and to confess anything. Nothing I could say will make him love me any less. He wants to be with me in my darkest hours, and he will see me through ‘cause Jesus has seen that dark side too. He promises he won’t desert me and won’t let me be harmed.

I start to really feel comfort in this song, in these words. Then, I open up a book, besides the Bible, that has really helped me through this year. I open up to today’s reading and the title makes my heart pound, “Good Things Coming.” I read it. I’m encouraged that what I seek will come, it will find me. I’m not to worry or try to control this. I need to keep praying “Jesus Save Me”. I need to surrender daily, every minute if I have to. I have to trust. This is the true test, right? I’ve already living in anxiety so many times in life trying to make things happen in life. I’m told the plan is already in place. Honestly, where I’m supposed to live already DOES exist. I just can not see it. It is truth. I have to trust I have to be peaceful. I’ve joked that I want baby Jesus to bring me my new address under my Christmas tree. But frankly, I need to live with faith like a child that this is how simply it will be brought to me. It will be a gift. If I can’t be lead to it with ease, it will find me. As God is already in tomorrow, he is already in the place I will call home. He is there preparing things for me and Wallie. God truly is my Emmanuel, he is with me, he is God with us.

Today, and everyday, God please remind me that this all will be settled in the right time. You will not leave me. You will give me what I need. Be my breath of heaven as I bear this load of suffering and decision making. Stand by me and bring me your Prince of Peace. I promise I will try to wait patiently. Forgive me for trying to have control and forgive me for wasting my energy on worry. Be my Emmanuel. Amen.