There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from.
–Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Imperfection is a hard thing for me to swallow, although I know I’m imperfect. As I go forward in this recovery process, it’s hard to get through the stumbles, the falls, the steps backwards. Everything happens for a reason I believe, but when things happen that hurt, things that make your heart wounds bleed, it’s hard in those moments to believe that there is a good reason for it all.
See when you are fragile and your heart is broken, you want someone to trust, someone who will be gentle. When you are lonely and are used to warmth and affection, you want someone to fill that space. When you’re fragile and lonely, it’s easy to be weak. My latest weakness led me to make a desperate choice because of the fogginess of my head and heart. I thought I could trust, I thought my heart could be held gently by someone who has been in my place before, someone who also was lonely. This is one of my steps backwards, I feel a big one.
How do you see the blessing or the silver lining in such rough patches? When your heart is cracked and wounds reopened and your tears are streaming down your cheeks, how do stop the self-blame? How do you pick yourself up from the floor like a toddler that has just fallen while learning how to walk and not be afraid of falling again? Who is there to protect you from yourself? When will I be able to see myself clearly and not be so critical when I make bad decisions?
Only God knows these answers. I just wish he would share them with me. I guess I will learn in time, learn from my weakness and set backs. However, I’m really exhausted right now dealing with all these changes and then feeling like I failed myself. I kept thinking how am I going to trust another person but really its scary not being able to trust myself. I just hope I can see a glimmer of a blessing in this lesson that I’m learning lately. I just hope I can learn to trust myself again. I just hope I can really TRULY MADLY DEEPLY fall in love with myself this year, imperfections and all.
–Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Imperfection is a hard thing for me to swallow, although I know I’m imperfect. As I go forward in this recovery process, it’s hard to get through the stumbles, the falls, the steps backwards. Everything happens for a reason I believe, but when things happen that hurt, things that make your heart wounds bleed, it’s hard in those moments to believe that there is a good reason for it all.
See when you are fragile and your heart is broken, you want someone to trust, someone who will be gentle. When you are lonely and are used to warmth and affection, you want someone to fill that space. When you’re fragile and lonely, it’s easy to be weak. My latest weakness led me to make a desperate choice because of the fogginess of my head and heart. I thought I could trust, I thought my heart could be held gently by someone who has been in my place before, someone who also was lonely. This is one of my steps backwards, I feel a big one.
How do you see the blessing or the silver lining in such rough patches? When your heart is cracked and wounds reopened and your tears are streaming down your cheeks, how do stop the self-blame? How do you pick yourself up from the floor like a toddler that has just fallen while learning how to walk and not be afraid of falling again? Who is there to protect you from yourself? When will I be able to see myself clearly and not be so critical when I make bad decisions?
Only God knows these answers. I just wish he would share them with me. I guess I will learn in time, learn from my weakness and set backs. However, I’m really exhausted right now dealing with all these changes and then feeling like I failed myself. I kept thinking how am I going to trust another person but really its scary not being able to trust myself. I just hope I can see a glimmer of a blessing in this lesson that I’m learning lately. I just hope I can learn to trust myself again. I just hope I can really TRULY MADLY DEEPLY fall in love with myself this year, imperfections and all.
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