God's Temple

I started my job again this past week, hence the reason why this blog isn’t being updated as regularly. There are many positives about going back to work, some examples being making money again and the structure of having something to do for 12 hours. However, it has been eating up my energy this week so much that I have been a little delirious and sleep deprived which in turn has led me to some unhealthy decisions. I’m hoping that once my body and routine adjusts somewhat to the exhaustion of being a working woman again, I will be healthier and happier than ever. Even though the recent past hasn’t been very pleasant for me, the time off from work gave me a lot of time to recoup and relax. I’m trying to find a way to balance work and the fact that I am still in recovery. It’s been a little challenging, but I am truly enjoying every moment I have to sit and just breathe a lot more than I ever have before. I’m trying in these moments to be still and calm and let my soul soak up the silence and let the relaxation take over my body so that I can be a more useful and rested being for God to love. Yet, I feel frustrated at times because my being tries to reject this positive, rejuvenating energy that stillness brings because it is SOOOOO different from what it is used to. Also, my body, mind and soul doesn’t know how just be still and not analyze every little thing. I get frustrated by not knowing the answers to why certain things are happening in my life right now and it’s hard to be present when I’m anticipating how all events and situations at the present moment are shaping my future. I have to keep reminding myself that I am where I need to be right now and that God will give me everything I need for my day as it comes moment by moment. My therapist has been a big help too in reminding me of all that I am missing about God while I’m still in the fog.

Although I have been hesitant at times about going to therapy, I really am learning and realizing a lot. I really do have control/trust issues with God that need to be resolved. I am learning that I attach my self-image to my behaviors way to much which is really destructive when they are unhealthy behaviors. Even though I know I am human and I am not perfect, I’m really struggling with mistakes I make and I’m realizing that I really have to let go more and more. I was reminded by my therapist that God loved David even though he was a murderer and adulterer. He called him a man after his own heart! That’s amazing and just goes to show that God truly loves us regardless of what we do, as long as we are seeking him and loving him. I’ve been relearning that I should be seeking God in everything that I do, and therefore should be avoiding negative influences and situations in my life. I’m learning to acknowledge that God is supposed to dwell in us and that our bodies should be the temple that holds his spirit. I’m learning that my life and body should be a showcase for Jesus’ love and his spirit that has now reentered my life. I’m learning through therapy that I need to be constantly emptying myself so that God can fill me up.

So as the Easter season quickly approaches, I’m trying to be as reflective as I once was. I used to love the Holy Thursday service at my church growing up. It was such a reflective and emptying service illuminated by candlelight. It’s a time to think about the doom and death that sin brings. For me it was a great service and opportunity to empty myself from the sins and mourn over sin while reflecting on the pain it caused Christ to die for them. I guess in a way I’m hoping this year I can empty my temple more than ever, kind of like a major spring cleaning for my soul. That way on Easter Sunday (even though I have to work) I will have a wonderfully clean and beautiful shell of a temple for God to fill up as we celebrate Jesus’ resurrection and eternal life in him. I want my heart to be filled with love and spirit and joy as the trees turn green and the flowers start to burst from the earth. I want my temple to be warm with the glow of flickering candles of the light I should be showing to the world. I want my temple to be a quiet and restful place that is sturdy and well shaped inside and out. I want the dirty filthy junk in my soul to be gone so that my body is a beautiful, physically fit (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), healthy, and very positive place for God to reside always no matter where I am.  I want Jesus to enjoy the home I have in my heart for him, well deserved and long awaited.